


i can't forget you ( just the lies )

by melanoradrood



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amnesia, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet Ending, Car Accidents, Communication Failure, Depression, Dubious Consent, F/M, Medical Trauma, Mental Health Issues, Past Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-06-16 16:08:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 35,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15440730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melanoradrood/pseuds/melanoradrood
Summary: It has been two years since Cassian Andor slammed the door in her face, shutting her out of his life, out of their life, and completely ripping her heart to shreds. Since then, she has simply existed, just passing time, still trapped in a place of not really accepting what has changed, unable to understand, without any explanation, why the man she loved had destroyed every happiness she had.She gets a phone call, saying there has been an accident. Two years of nothing, of him blocking her number, of his best friend ignoring her calls, of him shutting himself away from their friends group, of him not answering the door...It's worse than she imagined. Over two years of his memory gone, and when he looks at her, it's with love in his eyes, like he can't look away, like she's the light of his life, like... like how he used to look at her, before everything fell apart for no reason at all. And it crushes her inside, because they're both trapped in a prison of their own making... unable to escape.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> y'all.  
> This is NOT happy. This is NOT going to be a super happy fluff fic. This is PAIN.  
> There will NOT be smut, there will NOT be happy.  
> Just... tears.  
> Now grab your tissue box and find a corner to sit in so you can read!

“Hello?”

She had just worked a double shift, was still a little out of it, and a glance at the clock told her that she had only been asleep for two hours. No one that knew anything would be calling her at this time of night, even if it was relatively early in the evening for most people, but if someone is calling her at 9pm… it must be an emergency.

“Yes, I am calling for Jyn Erso. Is she available?”

Jyn lets out a groan as she rolls flat onto her back, and she’s half tangled up in her blankets, one hand on her head, trying to even comprehend an answer. “Yes, this is she.”

“Ms. Erso, this is Dr Dracos at Yavin Memorial Hospital.”

She sits up immediately, eyes wide. Hospital? Why would anyone from the hospital be calling her? She knows that Bodhi is fine, because she had just seen him when she got home, can hear the TV in the other room. Everyone else that matters is dead, so… so why would anyone be calling her?

“Alright… I’m guessing you have some bad news.”

There’s a moment’s pause, and then the doctor continues. “There is a patient here by the name of Cassian Andor. There has been an accident. How soon can you be here?”

She wants to throw up, because Cassian… Cassian… 

She wants to ask how they got her name, her number, but she vaguely remembers writing herself down as his emergency contact when he had broken his arm a few years prior, before they had… well, before everything had blown up. Right, of course. Still, Cassian couldn’t ask for someone else, like maybe his best friend?

Was Kay even still his best friend?

“I… is he awake and talking? Can I talk to him.”

There’s another pause before the doctor continues. “I cannot discuss this over the phone, Ms. Erso. It’s imperative that you come down to the hospital as soon as possible.”

She doesn’t like the sound of that, and suddenly, for one horrifying moment, she’s being flashed back to two years earlier, standing in the middle of her apartment, with Cassian insisting that he couldn’t, wouldn’t, discuss this with her.

“Right, yeah. Yeah, I can be there in twenty minutes.”

“Of course. The sooner the better.”

She half stumbles out of bed when she hangs up the phone, and when she goes to answer the door, Bodhi looks over his shoulder at her, surprised. “Hey, shouldn’t you be asleep?”

“Cassian,” she says, and she realizes her hands are shaking, her voice is shaking, and she feels she might be about to throw up. “Cassian is at the hospital. I’m still his emergency contact.”

“Woah, what?”

Bodhi is walking towards her, and Jyn realizes that her knees have hit the ground, because she’s unable to stand on her own, and all of the pain, it’s coming back so hard, she can’t even begin to process it. She hasn’t said his name out loud since the night she got so drunk she had ended up hospitalized herself, and Bodhi had brought her back to his place the next day, had told her to let it all out, and never speak his name again.

She might never say his name, but she still thinks of him, even after two years.

“I think… they said I needed to come right now. I don’t… I don’t think I can drive.”

“Hey, that’s okay. Let me grab my keys. You need to put on shoes, and maybe a jacket.”

She nods a little, her hands still shaking, and she knows that she should call Kay, but she deleted his number, and Cassian’s, when she had finally realized that they were over, that they were never getting back together.

She could still reach him, though. It would take two seconds to call Han, who could call Leia, who could call Cee, who definitely probably still had Kay’s number. That would mean figuring out what to tell everyone, though.

She would reach out to Kay once she knew something… even if Kay was the only family that Cassian really had.

“Jyn? Jyn, come on. You have to stand up.” It’s Bodhi again, and Jyn nods, forcing herself to stand. He helps her into her shoes, her jacket, and somehow manages to stumble out of their apartment and down towards the parking lot. He was parked relatively close for once, and it’s a good thing, because she sits down so hard, she can’t even shift further onto the seat - just stare out the window, watching the lights, lost in the moment.

Bodhi doesn’t say anything, which is good, because Jyn wouldn’t hear a single word.

 

 

By the time they reach the hospital, Jyn has managed to pull herself somewhat together. Her hair is tied back, her eyes are clear, and her jaw is set, ready to accept the news, to hear what has to be said, to maybe even face Cassian. If she can avoid it, she won’t go in to see him at all - just find out whether or not he’s still alive, and then pass the information to Kay, who should then take over Cassian’s care, or whatever they need.

She’s ready for them to tell her that Cassian is dead, and she doesn’t know if she can hear that. The reality that he didn’t want to be with her, that they were broken up, that was still impossible to swallow after two years, and fuck, it was even the anniversary of the day he broke up with her, but the fact that he might be dead? She couldn’t face a world that didn’t have him in it, face a life of knowing there wasn’t another chance for them, that it was all gone, dead and gone.

Jyn wasn’t the type of girl to spend her life crying over a guy, but Cassian had been there to build her up, had made her whole, and yeah, her therapist was helping her work through it, but she still loved him. She wouldn’t even try to lie to herself about that.

The nurse’s desk immediately seems to know who she is, like they’ve been waiting for her, and when they take her to a small room for families, Jyn is ready to hear it. He’s dead. She can hear it, over and over in her mind. Cassian is dead.

When the doctor comes in, he looks relieved, which is… not what she expected.

“How is he?” she asks, and she doesn’t stand, because if she stands, she’ll just fall over again.

“Ms Erso-”

“Jyn. Just call me Jyn, and this is my brother, Bodhi.”

“Right. Jyn, Cassian was in a bad accident, hit by a car, this afternoon. Physically, he’s in better shape than could be expected, given how fast the car was driving. He has a broken arm, a broken leg, and a broken hip. He’s going to be in a lot of pain for a while and had to have surgery on his leg, but he’ll definitely survive.”

She gives a nod, because yeah, that… that sucks but… the doctor said  _ physically _ . What did that leave open to discuss?

“So then what’s wrong?” she asks, and Bodhi reaches out to grab her hand, squeezing it so tight it almost hurts.

“It seems that when he was struck, he hit his head pretty hard. He seems to have lost a good bit of memory. He knew his own name, but seems to have lost over two years of memories. The only thing he keeps asking for is you. Once we told him the year, he started asking where you were…”

Over two years of memories gone… which meant he didn’t remember breaking up with her. Which meant he didn’t remember stomping on her heart, walking out on her and them, leaving her behind with all of their shattered dreams.

“He has amnesia?” she asks, and that’s putting it basic, but it makes the most sense.

“It looks that way. He may regain his memory with time, but there’s no telling what he will or won’t remember when.”

She doesn’t say anything for a long while, and then finally sucks in a breath. Everything feels so heavy on her chest, and she hasn’t had enough sleep, but fuck, Cassian doesn’t remember, doesn’t remember what he did to her, and doesn’t even know why… neither does she, so she can’t even explain that.

“I should probably call his friend,” she finally says, and she looks at Bodhi, who gives a nod. “Can you call Han, or Luke? They can ask Leia for Cee’s number - I’m sure she has Kay’s.”

Bodh gives her a nod, and she lets go of his hand as he steps out of the room, leaving her there for a moment. “Is he awake right now?”

“He is,” the doctor says, and Jyn licks her lips, giving a nod. “He’s asking for you, rather insistently. He’s concerned that you were with him and were also injured. We’ve considered sedating him, but I think seeing you might calm him down.”

Might calm him down. Right. Right, of course he would be worried about her, because way back when, they had done everything together. If he was hit by a car, she would have been there, should have been there now. 

She wonders where Kay is, why Kay wasn’t with him. She wonders what Cassian was even doing that he wasn’t at work in the middle of the day.

“How do we help him regain his memories?” she asks, and she looks up at the doctor, taking in another slow breath.

“Time,” he says, and he sounds a little… resigned. “He’ll have a number of visits with neurologists and psychiatrists, but going about his daily routine, returning to his normal life, with time, he may regain some, if not all of his memories.”

Time. With time, he might remember that they were no longer together.

“I guess I should probably go see him,” she finally says, and she can already feel her heart breaking in two all over again, because he didn’t know, didn’t know that he had destroyed her over two years before.

 

 

His eyes are closed when she enters the room, so she knocks twice on the door. His head turns, and she sucks in a breath, because it has been two years since she has seen his face, two years since her eyes have met his, and he’s so unbelievably beautiful, even if he does look like he was hit by a car.

He smiles at her, and she wants to cry, because this isn’t what she imagined it would be like when she saw him again. He was supposed to come to her, begging for her to take him back. He was supposed to apologize, to tell her  _ why _ he had ripped her heart out…

And now, now he’s looking at her like she’s the center of his universe, and he can’t even tell her  _ why _ .

“Jyn, oh thank god. They said I was brought in alone, and I was scared you were dead, that you had died when you were hit, and-”

“I was at home,” she says, and she licks her lips, still frozen at the door.

He looks so…  _ happy _ .

“What was I doing out so late? I can’t… I can’t remember anything. God, the last thing I can remember is... “ He’s searching for something, and shakes his head a little. “I think we were... I remember going to Leia’s party, to celebrate Han and Leia’s engagement, and that’s…”

“That was over two years ago,” she says, and she knows that the doctors already told him that time had passed… that was almost two months before he had ripped her heart out.

“Two years? Right… right, they said it was 2018. Sorry. I keep… I keep forgetting…”

He’s looking frustrated, lost, and she finally steps into the room, goes to sit on his good side, her eyes looking at the bandages on him. He’ll be in the hospital a few more days, at the very least, which gives her enough time to figure this out.

“It’s okay. It’s alright. The doctor said it might take a while for your memory to come back, so don’t stress yourself out trying to remember things right now. You just need to worry about… about resting. Until the swelling goes down, everything will be confusing. You just need to close your eyes.”

Cassian smiles at her and grabs her hand, lifting it and raising it to his lips. She says nothing for a moment, just watches, and his eyes close. He’s still holding on tight, and she just watches as he seems to drift off, holding onto her. 

“So glad… you’re here…” he says softly, and she watches as he falls asleep entirely, her hand still in his grasp.

An hour later, Kay bursts into the room, and she looks up at him, Cassian’s tall best friend, the only friend she thinks he has anymore, given how they used to share friends… and none of them talk to him anymore.

“Jyn, what - Bodhi said you were…” 

“I’m still his emergency contact,” she said, and she finally pulls her eyes from Cassian to look up at the man. “He doesn’t… the last thing he remembers is Han and Leia’s engagement party. He doesn’t remember…”

Kay is looking at her so hard that she thinks he might see her soul, and then he nods, swallowing, taking a step back for a moment.

“So he doesn’t remember that the two of you broke up, and you didn’t think to inform him.”

Her eyes thin, and she bristles, trying to pull her hand from Cassian’s. His grip is tight, so tight, and she finally gives up after a moment. 

“No, I didn’t tell the man that was just hit by a car that two months after his last memory, he threw me out of our apartment and refused to speak to me ever again. No, I didn’t tell the man that almost just died that I’m no longer his girlfriend. I’m so sorry for not prioritizing  _ reminding him _ of the most painful day of my life when he’s in a  _ hospital bed _ . I had Bodhi call you, and when he wakes up, maybe his memory will be back, and you can take my place, or call his new girlfriend, or whatever.”

Kay seems to stiffen, and then he nods. She used to talk to Kay every day, just by association, because of his friendship with Cassian, but it has been two years… She had forgotten that the things he said were not done so to be hurtful, and she had responded maliciously.

“Kay, I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t know what to do. The doctor said any more trauma, trying to fill in his memories, they might be more harm than good.”

He finally walks in and sits down in the chair across from her. There’s a long moment, and then - “Brain injuries can be strange. What is remembered, what isn’t… There’s no telling how much of his reality he has held onto. Perhaps it is best you are here. Between the two of us, we can help him piece it together.”

She nods, looking back at Cassian, just in time to see his eyes open slightly.

He smiles at her, and then lets out a groan- “What… what happened? Where am I?”

She blinks and looks over at Kay, who is sitting forward as well.

“You were in a car accident. Don’t you remember? You were hit by a car…”

“No,” he says, shaking his head. “We were… we were going to Leia and Han’s party…”

Jyn jerks back, her hand pulling from his, and she looks to the door. She needs to find a doctor. They already had this conversation.

“Cassian, that was two years ago. You’ve lost… you’ve lost two years of memories. We already talked about this before you fell asleep. Don’t you remember?”

He blinks at her a few times, then looks at Kay.

“I don’t… no. We were going to Han and Leia’s party. I was…”

He looks so utterly confused, and Jyn pulls away from him fully, standing up.

“I’m going to get the doctor,” she tells the pair of them, and Cassian is looking at her so hard it hurts.

Something is wrong. Something is very wrong.

 

 

“It’s called anterograde amnesia,” the doctor tells them as Jyn and Kay stand outside of Cassian’s room. The orthopedic surgeon is looking at Cassian’s body right now, talking about another surgery for his arm, and Jyn is trying to pay attention, but she’s too caught on watching what’s happening, trying to process it all. “It means that he’s unable to form new memories, on top of being unable to recall his previous ones. He may remember emotions, or feelings, but each time he falls asleep…”

“So Fifty First Dates,” she chokes out, and it dawns on her suddenly that there are tears in her eyes. “He’ll fall asleep and forget everything we told him. He won’t remember the accident, won’t remember that he has lost two years, won’t remember a conversation we just had.”

It means that every time he wakes up, he’ll think that they were going to the party, that they were happy in love, that things between them were just… perfect.

“Essentially,” Dr Dracos says, and Jyn nods, lips pressing together, trying to keep herself together. “It means that all changes since then… it might be best to try and set a schedule for him. This can take days to return…”

“But maybe years,” Kay says, and Jyn looks up at the ceiling, trying to pull herself together. Cassian is trapped in some sort of mental prison, and he gets to have the good memories, while Jyn is trapped for years.

“We really don’t know. The damage… it’s not so severe, but it all depends on the mental state he was in before the situation as well.”

Jyn looks at Kay and shakes her head, because obviously she doesn’t know anything that was going on with him.

“Cassian was… he has been severely depressed for over a year, often heavily drinking. He uh… was not in a good place.”

It’s all news to her, and she looks away, looks back to Cassian, who is smiling at her through the glass. The tears are still in her eyes as she hears the doctor and Kay continue talking.

“He may just not even want to remember, then. The big thing will be to have the same thing each day, to help him try and remember just the day to day. One day, he remembers that he had a good day the previous one, the next he remembers already having the conversation about his accident, and then he’s remember what he ate for breakfast… it’s a step by step process… but at the start of each day, he’ll need to start with the same thing that he remembers from the past.”

Jyn looks down at the ground and sucks in a breath, because she knows what this means. This means her. Cassian remembers her, remembers them living together, remembers her being part of his life.

“What you’re saying is that I need to move back in with my ex-boyfriend and pretend like everything is okay because every day he won’t remember me telling him that we’re broken up.”

The doctor looks awkward, and Kay reaches out, grabbing her hand. The man has never really been one for touching, so she looks up at that, hoping for… something.

“Jyn, no one is asking that. I can… I can move back in with him temporarily, we lie and tell him you had to go out of town for work, you can record a video telling him things are okay that he can see each morning, something like…”

She shakes her head and looks back at Cassian. Even though he destroyed her… she still loves him. She still loves him after all this time, even though he betrayed her.

“No, I can’t… I can’t just abandon him,” she says, and she sucks in a breath. “I mean, if this goes past a few months…”

“If this goes past a few months, then long term care will need to be looked into,” the doctor says, and Jyn nods.

“Three months. We can… I can work from home, and stay with him. Three months. We give it three months, and then we revisit this,” she says looking at the two men.

Her heart is already shattering as she thinks about that… three months with Cassian. Three months of playing house, like things are okay. Three months of… of trying to work through this.

“Jyn… Jyn, you should know…”

She shakes her head, because she already knows that Kay is going to say something about the breakup, about what happened, and she doesn’t want to hear about it from his best friend. She wants Cassian to tell her.

“No. I don’t want to know why he broke up with me. It’s in the past, a past he can’t remember.”

The orthopedic surgeon steps out and asks to talk to Dr. Dracos, and Jyn gives a nod. 

“Three months, Kay… and then I’m stepping out of his life again.”

Kay gives her a nod. “Alright then. Three months.”

There’s silence again, and they go to step into Cassian’s room.

“Jyn… Jyn, he’s my best friend, but he doesn’t deserve you.”

She sucks in a breath, closing her eyes, and then looks up at the tall man.

“I still love him, Kay. The Cassian of yesterday may not deserve me… but the Cassian of two years ago? He loved me back, and that’s… that’s the man in this room, the man that I still love.”

“This is not good for you mentally,” he says, and she nods, because she knows. She knows that.

“Yeah, well… we all need a little therapy.”

Kay snorts at her, and it’s true, it’s all true, and she can’t help but to laugh.

It’s the last time she laughs for a long time.

 

 

Cassian wakes up, eyes blinking, and then turns his head to look at her. It’s the last full day that he will be spending in the hospital before being released, and she had taken the past few days to get everything in order. She has her things at his apartment, has cleared out the old food, has… she had to hire a cleaning service, because it was so bad. The alcohol, the weed, the painkillers… 

When Kay had said that Cassian was in a bad place, she hadn’t realized how bad it truly was. Not really. There was no preparing herself for this.

She’s ready for this. She has a script, given to her by the doctor, and when he goes to open his mouth, to ask where they are, she puts a finger to her lips, and then smiles.

“Look at me. Everything is okay. You are okay. I am okay. Kay is okay. No one is dead, and everything is fine.”

She tries to be calm, to exude a calm nature, and she takes in another breath before continuing.

“One week ago, you were hit by a car while on your way to the store. You were injured, breaking a number of bones on the right side of your body. It also caused a brain injury, which means that you have lost your memories from the past two years, and are struggling to form new ones. Don’t struggle, it’s okay. You may start to remember emotions or small things from the previous day, and that’s a good sign. What you need now is rest, and to not overwork yourself. Everything is okay.”

She takes another breath and he’s looking at her, looking at her hard, and then she continues from there, to talk about their day.

“Today is your last day in the hospital, before you go home. Everything is okay. I will be here the entire day. I’ve taken time off of work, and then I’ll be working from home, at least until your injuries are not so physically severe. Kay will be here once he gets off work. We spoke to your boss, and the paperwork has been submitted for you to take a temporary leave of absence. It’s all taken care of.”

She’s at the end of the list, and she has to work on this, will work on this, but it will do for today.

“Do you have any questions?”

Cassian has relaxed, and she gives him a moment, and then he stares at her again.

“Wait, two years?”

She nods, licking her lips, and he reaches out towards her hand. She offers it, and he instead brushes it aside, reaching for the one holding the paper. She gives it to him, and he stares at it hard.

“Two years? Two years and… where’s the ring?”

She blinks, not sure what to say. Ring? There was never a ring.

“What do you mean?”

“Jyn, two years have passed, and you don’t… what the…”

He looks frustrated now, and is looking around. “Kay, let me talk to Kay. What the hell? Two years, and I haven’t-”

He had held her right hand the first day, she realizes, and it dawns on her what he’s asking.

He’s asking why there isn’t a ring on her left hand, and her heart breaks in her chest so hard, she can actually hear it.

“Cassian, you never asked me to marry you,” she says, and he looks at her in horror.

“Two… I haven’t… Jyn, I haven’t asked you to marry me yet?”

She’s frozen, and shakes her head slightly.

He was going to propose. The Cassian of two months before the worst night of her life, he was going to propose.

“How is that…”

He looks sick, and she pulls her hand away. 

“It’s okay,” she says, and she smiles at him, trying to calm him down. “It’s okay. I don’t need a ring to know how you feel about me.”

“ _ I want you to be wearing a ring _ ,” he says, and he looks so upset, she almost feels worse for him… almost. “Do you realize how long I’ve wanted to ask?”

The heart rate monitor is getting faster, and she realizes he’s upsetting himself to the edge of near harm. 

“Jyn, why didn’t I ask you?” he asks, and he’s frantically grabbing at her hands. “Why aren’t we engaged?”

She pulls away and stumbles backwards, shaking her head. She doesn’t have an answer for him.

“Cassian, you have to calm down-”

“I don’t understand. What happened in the past two years?”

She shakes her head, and turns, running straight into the doctor.

In seconds, there’s a sedative in Cassian’s IV, and he’s drifting back to sleep. Jyn, meanwhile, has to explain what happened.

She’s very careful when he wakes back up, the paper in her right hand, her left hand pressed between her legs. He doesn’t say anything about the red around her eyes, just smiles as she starts to talk.

“Look at me. Everything is okay. You are okay. I am okay. Kay is okay. No one is dead, and everything is fine.”

There’s no calmness this time, and there’s tears in her eyes, but she pushes through. He reaches for her hand, and she sets the paper on her lap, looks down at it as she gives him her right hand, the left one squeezed between her knees so tight it almost hurts.

“One week ago, you were hit by a car while on your way to the store. You were injured, breaking a number of bones on the right side of your body. It also caused a brain injury, which means that you have lost your memories from the past two years, and are struggling to form new ones....”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Literally when I tell you that this is painful, that it hits all of the trigger warnings listed above, please listen to me. PLEASE listen to me. And honestly I wish I could like mark it out but it's just... this entire fic is like this. PLEASE listen to me. It's... rough.
> 
> THAT STATED - some of you probably just saw DubCon and are like uhhhh????
> 
> THERE IS NO SEX, but Cassian does not remember the past two years, which means that if they KISS... past him is consenting, but is present? I don't know, I'm not going to figure it out, we're just labeling it DubCon.

Jyn is in the kitchen when she hears Cassian waking up in the bedroom, and she has the door cracked open so that she could see him, could keep an eye on him. She has a plate of eggs and toast and coffee on a tray, and she walks into the bedroom with a smile, setting it down on the table beside the bed. This is their first morning with him back in his apartment, and she wants for this to go well. She has her paper, something new that she had worked out with the doctor before she left, and is ready to try it out.

“Good Morning,” she says, and she gives him a warm smile. “I know you have a lot of questions, but how about I go first, and then answer anything you don’t understand.”

He’s not fully awake yet, but after a few minutes, he nods, and then Jyn reaches over, picking up the cup of coffee. Cassian has never been much of a morning person, but she hands it to him, to his good hand. He looks down at the cast, and she knows it’s more confusion, but that’s okay.

“You were hit by a car about a week ago,” she says, and he nearly spills the coffee on himself in surprise when he jerks up. Alright, notes for tomorrow - she shouldn’t give him any coffee until after this talk. “I know that you don’t remember, but that’s okay. A lot of time has passed since your last memories, but that’s okay as well. The swelling on your brain has caused temporary amnesia, but with time, you will start to remember more and more.”

She pauses for a moment, and Cassian is staring at her, waiting for her to continue, she realizes, and she does so, beginning the questions.

“What is your name?”

The answer comes back immediately - “Cassian Jeron Andor.”

“And what is my name?”

“Jyn Lyra Erso.”

She smiles at that, then goes onto the next question. “Do you know where you are?”

He looks around the room for a moment, then gives a nod. “We’re in our bedroom… but it doesn’t look like I remember.”

She shakes her head a little, glancing down at the paper, and she has her left hand pinched between her knees. “What year is it?”

That gets a raise of an eyebrow before he finally says, “2016.”

She’s gentle with her smile, and shakes her head slightly. “It’s 2018. Do you remember where you were yesterday?”

He looks like he’s trying so hard to remember, and licks his lips, trying to formulate something… but it’s clear he doesn’t know.

“Don’t stress yourself. It’s okay if you don’t remember. Yesterday, you were at the hospital. Today is our first full day back at home.”

He gives a nod, and she knows it’s a lot to process, but she takes in a slow breath. She can do this. She can keep doing this.

“Cassian, I’m going to let you eat breakfast while I take down a few notes for the doctor, okay?”

He nods, licking his lips, then raises the cup to his mouth, taking a sip. He seems to remember that, at least, remembers how he likes his coffee… she’s just glad she remembers as well.

“You’ll be back in a minute?” he asks, and she gives him a smile. 

“Of course. I’m just going to step into the kitchen. You’ll be able to see me. After you’ve eaten, I’ll answer your next questions.”

He gives a nod, and she steps out into the kitchen to take down notes - 

 

  * __Coffee after questions__


  * _Doesn’t remember the year_


  * _Commented bedroom looks strange_


  * _Can’t remember yesterday_



 

That’s all she has for now, and she takes in another breath before turning back to look at Cassian. He’s struggling to eat with his left hand, but she knows he has to learn. After he eats, she’ll help him get dressed, and then they’ll work on more questions.

Except that the questions only make things worse. It starts with the bedspread.

“What happened to the bedspread that your grandmother made?”

It had always been on their bed before… it was on her bed at her apartment now. “I packed it away a few months ago.”

She doesn’t like lying.

“Why are there no pictures in our bedroom?”

She looks around and shrugs - “We moved the furniture around. That’s why it feels backwards. I guess we just never put the pictures back in here. Would you like to move the bedroom back around?”

The doctors had recommended that she return everything to how it was at his last memory, but she can’t bring herself to do it. That means bringing her life back into his, that means… that means moving back in, and she can’t do it. Only if he asks.

He looks confused with that answer, and then he has more questions. “Why isn’t your side of the bed slept on?”

She had made the bed after getting him dressed, but it had been obvious she hadn’t slept there.

“I didn’t want to accidentally injure you in your sleep.”

It’s the last one that crushes her - “Why isn’t your stuff on the dresser, or any of your books? Why does this look like it’s just my room?”

She brushes all of his questions aside, and she can tell he’s getting exhausted again. Her fingers run over his brow as she fakes a smile. “I moved all of my stuff out of the way, so that I could better take care of you in here. Just relax…”

He doesn’t sleep, which means he doesn’t reset, but she does softly read to him while his eyes are closed. She runs out of things to say when he wants to talk again, so they turn on Netflix. She leaves him to it, going to make them dinner, and when he finishes eating, he’s ready to fall asleep again.

“I won’t remember this tomorrow, will I?” he asks, his eyes feeling heavy.

“No,” she says softly, and her heart breaks for him when he starts to look upset. “But it’s okay. I’ll be here tomorrow. We’ll have these same conversations again, and that’s okay too. In a few days, you’ll start remembering things…”

His eyes are already shut, and she realizes he’s asleep, his brain healing a little more, dumping out any new memories he had formed that day. She steps into the kitchen, finishes making her notes, pulls out the recorder from her pocket, and writes down word for word what they said. When it’s all done, she types it up, emails it to the doctor, and then pours herself a glass of wine… and another glass of wine… and another glass of wine…

Somewhere along the way, she falls asleep.

 

* * *

 

For the entire first week, every single day is the same, or as close to similar as she can make it. She doesn’t hand him the coffee until after he asks his questions, and when he asks her about the pictures in the bedroom, she tells him that they are out of the way so that he doesn’t knock them over when he starts trying to walk again. When he asks about the bedspread, she gives him a funny story about how he started peeing on it because his leg was numb, and he laughs, and he laughs....

He laughs like she remembers, with his whole body, and his face is pained from hurting himself, and the next day, she changes the story again, because she can’t stand to hear that laugh.

When night comes, she sits down with a bottle of wine, and she types up her report, about how his fingers wiggle more, how he still can’t remember anything, how he’s getting stronger moving to and from the bathroom. She gets an update on the start of physical therapy the next week, and she hears back from work.

She spends hours doing some of her actual work, although she is technically on leave, and she hates being away from her desk, but it’s quiet in the evenings.

She drinks because it’s the only way she can stay sane, drinks so much that her liver hates her, and she questions if maybe she has a problem.

She wasn’t drinking like this before, though. No, she had suffered through the breakup in silence, with no vices. She had refused therapy, had refused the normal ways that people dulled the pain, and instead, threw herself harder into her work, picking up more jobs, working harder at the gym.

She ran more, fought more, worked more, everything to fill every second of her time, so that there’s never time to think, never time to process, never time to analyze…

That’s the problem with right now. There’s nothing to do in the evenings. She’s trapped in an apartment filled with memories, trapped watching the man she loves but can’t forgive sleep, and she’s trapped with alcohol, so much alcohol, and she drinks and she drinks. She drinks until she can hardly remember what day it is, and then she cries.

She cries because Cassian doesn’t know what day it is, let alone that they’ve been broken up for two years, and he doesn’t have answers for her.

She survives the first week, though, and she’s proud of herself for that.

And if she has a few shots of tequila to celebrate that, well, no one is there to judge her.

 

* * *

 

She’s bringing him lunch, the same thing as every day, and she’s tired of eating the same thing, but he doesn’t remember, and when she sits down beside the bed to offer him half of the sandwich, Cassian suddenly grabs her hand. It takes a moment, because this is different, this is new, but then it dawns on her - she was offering it with her left hand.

_ Her left hand _ .

“It’s 2018,” he says, and they’re entirely off script. She doesn’t have a response planned out, because this is something she wasn’t prepared for, and she doesn’t pull away as he studies her hand. “Right?”

She nods, and tries to smile, because this means he’s clearly remembering things from a few hours ago. Sometimes… sometimes he seems a little confused at the end of the day, as his memory starts to clean itself out while he’s still awake.

“Yes, it’s 2018, Cassian. Two years since Han and Leia’s party.”

That’s the last thing he can remember, it seems, the last event he can remember - they were going to that party. It’s the last concrete thing that he can remember, and she doesn’t know why…

“Then why aren’t you wearing the ring?”

Her tongue flicks over her lips, and she has known about the ring for a week and a half now, but she still doesn’t have an answer… 

“You never asked,” she finally says, and Cassian shakes his head, like he can’t comprehend. “There was never a ring.”

“There  _ was _ a ring,” he insists, and he’s trying to sit up on the bed, is pointing to the dresser. “I had a ring, Jyn. I may not remember the last two years, but I remember buying that ring.”

She wants to ask when, wants to ask when he had bought it, but instead she follows his eyes…

“Do you want me to look for it?” she finally asks, and Cassian nods.

She gets up, going to the dresser, and if she finds it… she hopes she doesn’t find it.

It’s not in the drawers, not in any of the drawers, and as she continues to look, Cassian looks more and more upset. When she finally admits defeat, she just shakes her head, going back to the bed.

He looks distraught.

“Jyn, I bought you a ring,” he says, and she shakes her head… she has to hope that there wasn’t a ring, that there was never a ring.

“Cassian, I don’t need a ring to know how you feel about me. It doesn’t change anything.”

The truth is, he didn’t want her in his life, had shoved her out of it… he might have once had a ring, but clearly, that had changed.

“I wanted… I don’t understand why I didn’t ask,” he says, and his voice is almost weak. He’s clearly upset about this, and she wishes she had an answer for him.

“Ask me when you remember everything,” she says, and she gives him a smile.

There’s a pain in his eyes as she leaves the room, her hands shaking as she pulls out the recorder to write this all down. She can’t hide her left hand for forever, so she has to figure out an answer…

He’s crying, she realizes. She can hear him crying in the bedroom as she tries to take notes, and she…

He won’t remember the next day. She feels heartless, and cruel, but rather than going in to comfort him, she opens up the freezer, pulls out a bottle of vodka. It’s after noon. She deserves this.

_ There was a ring. _

The next day, after breakfast, when she goes in to answer his questions, she grabs his hands with her left. He looks at it, studies it, and before he can even ask-

“No, I’m not wearing an engagement ring. You never asked, and no, the ring isn’t in your dresser. I don’t know why you didn’t ask, but Cassian, you need to know, my love for you has never changed, and I know exactly how you feel for me.”

She’s speaking from the heart, and there’s tears in her eyes. He nods in response, looking for words, and she… she shouldn’t have shown him her hand. She had thought, if she controlled the narrative, this might be easier.

It wasn’t.

He doesn’t ask about the bedspread. Doesn’t ask about the pictures. Doesn’t ask about anything.

When it’s time for bed, he doesn’t ask if he’ll remember.

It’s the quietest day they have so far, and when she goes to bed that night, she falls asleep with the bottle of vodka in her hand, lid off, half spilling onto the floor.

 

* * *

 

“Don’t stress yourself. It’s okay if you don’t remember. Yesterday, we were here, and you watched Netflix, and you had tomato soup for lunch. Today is your first day of physical therapy.”

She’s following the script, but it’s also the first day of them leaving the house. He has to start working on his leg, and she has the chair that was provided by the hospital, can get him to physical therapy, and while he’s there, she’s going to sit down with his doctor, take all of her notes.

He gives her a nod, and she smiles at him, just like every day.

“Cassian, I’m going to let you eat breakfast while I organize the notes for the doctor, and then, we’ll get you dressed, and head to the hospital.”

He nods and licks his lips, taking the coffee cup that she offers her, and she smiles as he smiles, because it’s what they do every day.

“Thank you, Jyn.” Same as every day. “You’ll be back in a minute?”

She gives another nod.

“Of course. I’m just going to step into the kitchen. You’ll be able to see me. After you’ve eaten, you can get dressed, and once we are in the car, I’ll answer your next questions.”

He nods again and looks at his food, and she gets up, leaving the bedroom. Without it being just them, it means she won’t be able to control the narrative, that he will have outside forces intruding, but it also gives them something new to do, something new to talk about each day. Tomorrow, she’ll get to tell him that he had been at the hospital all day, working on his leg, and she’ll get to tell him about the progress he has made.

She’s trapped in an endless circle of hell, but at least some things are changing.

The next day is the same, except rather than physical therapy, he has to get another brain scan. He’s scared the whole time, but she talks him through it. The doctor says the swelling has gone down, and after reviewing the notes…

There needs to be some progress. There isn’t any.

The day after, it’s more physical therapy, and he seems to have muscle memory, at least, because his form doesn’t have to be corrected as it had the first day. Jyn smiles at that, but when he wakes up the next morning and she tells him that he had therapy the day before, he insists that he was at work.

Two steps forward, ten steps back.

She still hides her left hand, because it’s easier that way. Two weeks have passed of him being back in his home, and she’s not sure how much more she can take.

Three months. That was the promise she made to herself, to Kay, to the doctor, even to Cassian. Three months. Two weeks have passed, and she’s already going crazy.

“I won’t remember this tomorrow, will I?” he asks, and she hates this question, hates it every day. Physical therapy helps him be more tired at the end of the day, but it still hurts.

“No,” she says softly, and she tries to keep her voice even… it cracks, though, and tears are in her eyes. “But it’s okay. I’ll be here tomorrow. We’ll have these conversations again, and that’s okay too. In a few days, you’ll start… you’ll… you’ll remember…”

“How many times have we had this conversation?” he asks, and Jyn shakes her head, because she can’t… she knows the days.

“Enough,” she says, and her voice is thick, on the verge of a sob. “You’re not… you’re not remembering, and I’m scared you’ll never remember.”

He’s tired, she knows that, and his brain, it’s starting to clear everything out… but his hand, his free hand, reaches out, grabbing her cheek. He’s cradling it, his head so heavy he can’t lift it, but he’s trying, trying to reach her.

“No matter how much I forget, nothing changes how much I love you, Jyn.”

She nods, but it’s a lie, it’s all a lie as she covers his hand with her own, watches as he falls asleep.

When she walks out into the living room, she sits down hard on the couch, the tears not even dry on her face. Two years… two years since she last heard him say he loved her, and it… it hurts. Everything hurts. Everything is falling apart.

She manages to find her phone and calls Bodhi, but she’s too upset to say anything. He arrives twenty minutes later with wine and takeout, and she can’t even look at the alcohol.

“Jyn, come home,” he begs, and she shakes her head, because she can’t leave Cassian. This is the Cassian she remembers, the man she loved. That’s who is in there now. She can’t just…

“I can’t leave him. He’s so scared, so alone, and I-”

“You’re killing yourself,” Bodhi insists. “Jyn, how many bottles are in that recycling bin? I can smell the vodka on your breath. You look like you haven’t showered in a week, and… god, look at you! You’re sacrificing yourself for a guy that ripped your heart out.”

“But that guy isn’t here right now,” she insists, and that’s what… that’s what no one gets. “The guy that broke my heart? He’s not here. This Cassian? He’s the man that took me dancing in the rain and brought me breakfast in bed and he keeps… Bodhi, if he sees my hand, he asks why I’m not wearing a ring he insists he bought.”

That makes her best friend, her brother, her confidant… that makes him freeze. “A ring? Jyn, he thinks you’re engaged?”

“No, he’s confused as to why we aren’t! He was planning to ask me to marry him!”

“And instead, he broke up with you.”

She knows she’s pathetic, but that Cassian and this Cassian are different. They’re so different.

“Bodhi, he thinks he still loves me. Every day, he’s basically just… reset. I can’t… I can’t leave him…”

“You can’t keep living like this,” he insists, and she knows that… she knows. “You’re living a lie, Jyn.”

She nods, because she knows, and Bodhi takes away the alcohol, makes her eat. He even stays there while she goes home, goes back to her apartment, and she takes a shower, packs a bag with more clothes, even grabs a few books, a few of her things…

When she gets back, Bodhi looks ready to protest, but she’s here…

“I promised everyone three months, and then we’ll look at long term care. It has only been two weeks here, three weeks since the accident… He could wake up tomorrow and remember everything. It’s just until he remembers, or there’s no sign of change.”

Bodhi seems to accept that finally, and when he goes to leave, he reaches into his pocket, pulls out a card for a therapist.

“You need to talk to someone, Jyn. You’re not okay. Neither of you are. You weren’t okay before any of this, but now? Now I’m genuinely worried.”

She nods, because he probably should be, because she probably should be, but instead, she just hugs him tight. They walk together to the door, her arm around him, and he presses a kiss to her forehead.

“I know, Bo. I can do this, though… three months, and then I walk away.”

When he leaves, she’s left to her thoughts, left alone…

She ignores the card, which she puts on the fridge, and instead picks up the bottle of wine that he seemed to forget. She’ll count her blessings on that.

Drinking dulls the pain, and pain is all she has anymore.

 

* * *

 

Cassian has been home for just over two weeks when he finally ventures out of the bedroom. Jyn has to help him hobble over to the couch, and he’s already tired from physical therapy that morning, but he asks to watch a movie, and she agrees. They’ve already had the conversation that he won’t remember this the next day, so she decides to pick a movie that she can stomach to watch every single day for the next three months - she settles on a superhero movie.

The movie is about ten minutes in when she can feel eyes on her, and Jyn looks over, mentally preparing herself. This is entirely new territory, the first time they have watched a movie together, the first time they have sat on the couch together, the first time he has spent the afternoon with her rather than resting, and she forces herself to smile.

She’s about to ask him what he’s looking at when he interrupts her.

“Fuck, Jyn, you’re so beautiful.” His words are practically all air, like he’s breathing it out.

All she can do is blink and stare at him, and it takes her by complete surprise. He looks at her like he’s expecting a response, and she tries to remember Cassian ever saying something like that to her in the past… except he had never really commented on her physical attractiveness, not in a situation like this.

“What prompted that?” she asks, and her words are just as breathy as his.

“I just… I look at you, and you’re so brilliant, so strong, so… I never tell you how beautiful you are. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have you in my life.”

She sees it, recognizes it, knows what he’s doing the second his words stop. He’s moving towards her, and she wants to pull away, wants to stop this, wants to turn and run, but in a moment of flight or fight, she is entirely frozen. She’s frozen as he leans in, as he pauses against her lips, and she stays frozen when his lips press against hers.

It’s only once he pulls away that she responds, and it’s the complete opposite of what she should be doing. All logistics say that she should be pulling away, should be stopping this, should be telling him something, anything to keep this from continuing.

Instead, she surges forward and kisses him again.

Thousands of alarm bells are screaming in her head, that the Cassian of today wouldn’t consent to this, that she’s taking advantage of a man that can’t really agree, but she can’t stop herself, not when his fingers run into her hair, not when he kisses her back like he means it, not when she has dreamed of kissing him again every night since he broke her heart.

He kisses like she remembers, and it’s probably because he’s the same man he was when they broke up, and he kisses her like he has missed her kisses.

It’s only once they pull apart for air that he finally speaks again.

“How long… How long has it been since I kissed you?”

She has already told so many lies to him, so many lies he won’t even remember after all of this is done, but this time, it burns when she tells it to him.

“Three weeks. You haven’t kissed me since you woke up after the accident.”

She knows it must sound like she’s about to cry, because there are tears in her eyes, and Cassian looks at her like she’s the one that’s broken, that has lost everything. It cuts something open inside of her, and a tear falls down her cheek as he leans in closer, his thumb running under her eye.

“Fuck, Jyn, I couldn’t imagine… I never want to go that long without kissing you ever again. Don’t you know how badly I need you?”

He kisses her again and it tastes like a sin, burns in her soul. She’s going to hell for this, for the way that they slowly kiss on a couch that they had purchased together years before, and she… it’s a good thing that his leg is in a cast, that one of his arms is unusable, because she’s pretty sure those are the only things stopping him from pushing past kissing…

She hopes she would be able to stop herself from letting it progress, but she misses him, and her body aches for him. She misses him deep in her soul, and she hates herself for it.

“I won’t remember this tomorrow, will I?” he asks as he lays down in bed, and she shakes her head.

She wants him to, she wants this hell to be over with, but she also hopes it never ends, hopes that she can just spend her life with him, loving him, having the man she remembers back in her life.

“Don’t let us go three weeks without kissing again,” he says, and it sounds like he’s begging. She nods a little, a promise, and he smiles at her.

“I love you, Jyn Erso,” he says, and his hand grabs hers, pressing a kiss to the knuckles. She smiles back at him and sits by his bed until he falls asleep, his mind resetting once more, all of the memories of their day resetting in his mind.

Once he’s actually asleep, she…

She loses it.

She skips the beer and wine, goes straight for the vodka, but she had spilled it a few nights earlier, and there’s only two mouthfuls left. There’s nothing else, nothing else that is strong enough to numb the pain, but she knows… she knows that Cassian keeps a pack of cigarettes somewhere around the apartment.

Every hiding spot is empty, which pisses her off to no end, until she remembers what Kay had said at the hospital… Cassian was depressed. It dawns on her that maybe they’re not hidden at all, and when she goes into his desk - a pack of cigarettes and his lighter.

She gave him this lighter, and she tries to not think about it as she opens up the window, as she sits down in a chair that she had set there, as she takes her place where she had smoked so many times before, smoked a thousand cigarettes, blunts, and they had quit together, had quit smoking three years prior when lung cancer had finally taken her godfather… they had smoked their last cigarette in this chair.

It’s not enough, and she makes a phone call.

Thirty minutes later, Lando Calrissian is at her apartment door, and he hands her a little baggy that she hasn’t touched since college. The look he gives her tells her that, while she may be ignoring Leia’s calls, all of their friends know what she is doing.

She tries to not think about it as she pulls out the papers from the package, and it’s only when she finishes rolling it that she remembers the last time she got high, sitting with Cassian beside her as they toasted their last night of college, the last time before they entered the real world. He had laughed with her as she had tried to smoke every last hit until there was nothing left, and how they had laughed about how they were entering the next phase in their lives, how they were facing it together.

She throws it into the toilet, the rest of the baggie as well, and watches as it flushes down the toilet. She’s trapped in a moment as she lights another cigarette, hands shaking, and she remembers quitting these as well, remembers taking hits off of Cassian, remembers watching him smoke and then him kissing her, sharing a high between them.

She remembers how they had promised to always be together, to never lose one another, remembers how he had told her he would spend the rest of his life loving her.

She ends up on her hands and knees, sobbing her heart out, half screaming into her hands, and she hates everything, hate Kay, hates Cassian, hates Lando, hates Han for introducing her to this man that changed her life, hates Bodhi for not taking her away from this place, and she…

She ends up laying on the floor ot the apartment, too exhausted to move, her body shaking with sobs as she tries to forget the feeling of his lips on hers, and the way that he had told her he loved her.

 

* * *

 

It’s amazing what a long shower and a lot of coffee can do, because when Cassian wakes up the next morning, she’s entirely put together, her hair brushed back out of her face in a bun, a smile on her lips, and she’s dressed in proper clothes. Mentally, Jyn was having a bit of a mental breakdown, but right now she is keeping it together.

She keeps it together as they see the neurologist, and as they head back to the apartment. She keeps it together as he eats lunch, and then comes out to watch a movie. She puts the same one on as the day before, and at two minutes before he told her he was beautiful, she gets up and says she’s going to make popcorn. 

Everything is going well, and she is in control, but then, when she turns to grab the bowl, Cassian is right there, somehow having hobbled from the couch to the kitchen. She freezes, not sure how to respond, and then it slips past his lips - “Jyn, you’re so beautiful.”

She doesn’t ask him what prompted those words, doesn’t ask him why he said that, but it doesn’t matter. When he steps forward, his hand goes to her cheek, and he kisses her. She can’t shove him away, so instead, she keeps it light, keeps it short…

He won’t let her pull away, though, and they slowly kiss in the kitchen until he’s too tired to stand.

She takes notes, and itakes the bottle of wine on the counter and shoves it under the sink, and she… she forces herself to go to sleep, to not drink, because there’s nothing that can numb how much this hurts.

The next day, she starts the microwave, then goes to the bathroom. She hears the popcorn stop popping, hears the microwave ding, can hear something in the other room… she flushes the toilet and then washes her hands before opening the door.

Cassian is on the other side, and he-

“Jyn, I have to… I have to tell you-”

It’s the same as before, except this time, he kisses her against the wall, his forearm leaning against it to keep him upright. He tries to pull her to the bed, but she manages to get them back to the couch. He doesn’t stop kissing her, though, and eventually, she has to pull away to make dinner.

“Order takeout instead,” he begs, and she almost gives in - but this is something new, something different.

She doesn’t order takeout, but she does invite him to join her in the kitchen, and it’s some sort of horror flashback, her cooking them food, him watching, backseat cooking, and she…

She takes notes, and is proud of herself when she goes to bed, and doesn’t touch the wine.

She somehow manages to entirely mess up the next day, because when he comes out to watch a movie, she mentions watching it in his bed instead.

Her hope is that she can leave him there to watch it alone, but what happens is they don’t even get as far as turning on a movie before Cassian is looking at her, telling her she’s beautiful, and mentioning he doesn’t deserve her.

They do order takeout, and his hand keeps sliding up her shirt, and when he’s finally asleep, she drinks the entire bottle of wine so that she can stand herself, can numb it all enough to accept that what she has been doing is disgusting, and she needs help.

 

* * *

 

They are sitting on the couch watching the movie, and Jyn knows what’s coming, knows what’s happening. She can feel his eyes on her, and it’s the same, the exact same, but she can’t escape when he leans forward and whispers the words, telling her how beautiful she is.

This time, she says nothing, and when he leans in to kiss her, she turns away, her hand going up to her mouth. She hasn’t though this through, hasn’t planned it, because she doesn’t know what else to do, but she can only use so much concealer to cover the dark circles under her eyes, can only swallow so much motrin to help with the hangover, and she just… she can’t kiss him again.

His hand goes to hers, grabbing it, and he’s looking at her hand, studying it.

They had already had the same conversation that they did every day, that they were not engaged, but that it didn’t matter to her.

He’s studying her hand, though, and it makes her pull away, makes her retract from him when he looks up at her, a pain in his eyes.

“I don’t understand,” he says, and they’re off script, so she’s unprepared for an answer, doesn’t know what he’s asking. “I just… it’s been two years. Two more years, on top of all of the years that we had before. I thought I was late in asking you to marry me two years ago…”

They haven’t really talked about this, Jyn always clearing the conversation away…

“Jyn, I’ve had that ring for…  _ years _ . I don’t understand why it’s not in the drawer anymore. I don’t understand why it isn’t on your hand. Why didn’t I ask you to marry me? What happened between us?”

For once in her life, Jyn is able to answer him honestly, and she shakes her head. “I don’t know. I don’t know why you didn’t ask, but you didn’t.”

She wants to ask him, wants to ask him so badly why he broke up with her, why he shut her out, why he slammed the door in her face. She wants to ask him what had happened to him over the past two years, but he doesn’t have an answer for her.

He doesn’t have any of the answers that they both crave.

“I love you,” he says, and this isn’t like the other times, where he’s reminding her, kissing her with the words. This is impatient, like he needs them to be out loud, because they’re a fact, and she’s not getting it. “Jyn, I’ve been in love with you since I met you. We’ve never been apart since we met. It was supposed to be you and I together, forever, so why didn’t I ask?”

She wishes she had an answer, but just shakes her head instead.

“I wish you had,” she said honestly, and she looks down at her hands, where his eyes keep studying. “I would have said yes. If you had asked me, I would have said yes.”

She’s surprised when he grabs her hand, almost roughly, and she looks up at him, surprised at how he’s touching her. He has never been rough with her before, always gentle, save when they were both rough in bed, but it reminds her of that night, when he had shut the door in her face. 

“Jyn, I want to marry you,” he insists, and she nods, because she gets that. “I’ve been… God, I’ve been thinking about it for years. Jyn, I tried the ring on your hand every night for weeks, imagined leaving it there, so that you would wake up and I would tell you that I wanted you to marry me. I practiced so many speeches, planned so many ways, so  _ why didn’t I ask you? _ ”

She jerks her hand away and gets up from the couch, walking into the kitchen. She can’t do this, she has to call Kay, she needs… she needs help. She can’t answer this,

“Answer me, dammit. Why didn’t I ask you?”

She can hear the pain in his voice, but something inside of her shatters. He thinks that she’s holding back on him, when the truth is…

“Do you want the truth?” she asks, and she practically chokes on it as she whirls around, sees him having pushed himself up to look at her. She forgets, for a moment, that he won’t remember tomorrow, but she wants it out there, wants to finally just say it. “Do you want to know why we’re not engaged?”

He says nothing, but his jaw is set, like he’s preparing himself for the worst.

“It’s because one night, I came home from work, and my key didn’t work in the door. I banged on it until you opened, and all of my things were gone. You told me that they were at Bodhi’s apartment, and that it would be for the best if I left. I thought it was a fucking joke, but you wouldn’t even look at me, just told me it was for the best. You wouldn’t tell me why, wouldn’t tell me anything, just ignored me.”

She’s crying, and Cassian… his face is a picture of horror, his mouth open, his eyes wide.

“I begged you to tell me what had happened, what was going on. I thought that you had cancer, or something had happened, or god forbid that you cheated on me, but you know what you told me? You told me  _ nothing _ .” She practically spits out the word at him, and she wants to throw something, wants to rage. “You just stared at the floor, and then told me I needed to get out. When I stepped out into the hallway to get a phone signal, you shut the door behind me and locked it, let me bang on the door for hours until somebody called the cops on me. I went back to Bodhi’s apartment, and he didn’t know either.”

The tears are running down her face, and in this moment, she hates him, hates him with a passion. “You blocked my number, blocked me on social media, all of our friends as well. The only person you would talk to is Kay, and Kay told me that he was in confidence, couldn’t tell me anything. Do you want to know how long that lasted?”

The tears are covering her face so badly she can hardly see him, but the words won’t stop now.

“The next time I heard your voice, you were sitting in a hospital bed, asking what had happened, asking if I was okay, and it was two years later, and the last fucking thing you remember is us going to a party, and you’re asking how it has been two years, and why I’m not wearing a ring, and I have suffered through a  _ month _ of this, of lying to you to help you work on your memories, but you want the truth?”

She’s gripping onto the counter now, her words coming out in sobs. “You shut me out of your life, out of my home. You broke and destroyed me, and I don’t know why, and I still fucking love you, and I hate you for it. I hate you for what you did to me. I’ve been broken for two years because the one person that I loved, that I opened myself up to, they slammed the door in my face, so you want to know why we’re not engaged? It’s because you broke up with me.”

She’s practically shaking now, and the sobs are coming so hard she’s not even sure he could understand half of what she just said, but then comes a cold voice in response.

“You’re lying.”

She blinks at him, not sure if she understand what she just heard… he looks so horrified, but all he can say is… “You’re lying. I wouldn’t break up with you.”

She shakes her head in response, and tries to suck back the tears. “Cassian, you slammed the door in my face. I don’t even know why.”

“You’re lying,” he says in response, and then he’s yelling. “You’re lying. You’re fucking lying to me. I wouldn’t break up with you, Jyn. You’re literally the only good thing I have in my life, the only healthy thing. Fuck, even my friendship with Kay is ruined from our past, but you… you have always been the only good thing that was mine, that was all me. You’re lying. Why are you lying to me?”

She doesn’t mean to do it, but she’s so mad-

“Fuck you, Cassian. Fuck you and your stupid fucking brain that can’t even remember why you broke up with me.”

Cassian tries to take a step towards her, or more towards the bedroom, like he’s trying to walk away, but his eyes are on her still, and instead he walks right into the couch. Any other situation, it would be comical, but he lands on his broken arm, and she can practically hear the broken bones.

He lets out a cry, and she blinks, panic hitting her.

“Cassian?”

He’s not moving, and she realizes his head had hit as well, his arm unable to block the fall.

“Cassian?!”

She calls an ambulance and then calls Kay, and it’s him that she rides with to the hospital, him that sits by her side. Cassian had woken up in the ambulance, and had apparently yelled for her…

She doesn’t realize until  _ after _ the doctors have sedated him that, despite his concussion, he had remembered what she said.

“It’s a minor injury,” the doctor insists, and they both nod, hearing the words. “But, he was in a lot of distress. Can you tell me what happened?”

Jyn doesn’t want to answer, but she finally does while looking in through the window. He had been sedated fully, and his brain was resetting now, what they had been fighting about long forgotten.

“He was upset about the ring again, so I told him the truth, and he accused me of lying. When he went to walk away, he fell and hit his head. To say we were fighting is… an understatement.”

There’s a long moment of silence before the doctor speaks. “I know that what is being asked of you is horrible, but if you can’t do it… we need to talk other long term plans.”

She’s still looking in the window, remembering what he had said about her lying, how he loved her.

She remembers how he had slammed the door in her face as well.

“Two more months, and then we’ll figure out something else,” she says, and she doesn’t look away, doesn’t even notice when the doctor leaves.

And then, it’s just her and Kay.

“Jyn, I don’t know how to properly thank you for what you’re doing,” Kay says, and Jyn… she just doesn’t have it in her anymore.

“Why did he break up with me?”

She wants to hear it, wants to hear the words… she knows it should be Cassian that tells her, but she’ll settle for Kay.

“Jyn… if in two months, he doesn’t remember, I’ll tell you everything… I’ll tell you every last detail, everything he never told you… but not until the doctor agrees this is permanent.”

That’s fair. That’s understandable.

“Do you think he made the right decision, breaking up with me?”

Kay had never been her biggest fan… but she wants the truth, and knows he’ll give it to her. “I thought he was a complete idiot the night he did it, but now? Now I understand that he has never, nor will ever, deserve you.”

Those words bring her no comfort like she thought they would, and she breaks down for a moment. He steps away, then returns with a handful of tissues that he awkwardly hands her. It takes a few moments for Jyn to pull it back in, but then she’s drying her face, and gripping a handful of tissues.

“He has to stay here overnight and tomorrow. I need you to stay with him.”

“Why?” his friend asks, and she licks her lips.

“The apartment, none of my stuff is there. He asks too many questions. I have to put my things back, make it look like it used to. He’s figuring it out every day, faster and faster, that something isn’t right. I have to put everything back to how it was before we broke up.”

Kay gives a nod beside her, and then she looks at the man, and tries to ignore the tear rolling down her cheek.

“Kay, you have the ring, don’t you.”

Cassian had had the ring for years, knew exactly where it would be in his drawers, and he… he had been depressed since they broke up. There was no way he got rid of it. She doesn’t even need for Kay to confirm it - she already knows. And the second that he shifts beside her? It’s confirmation. “Yes, I have the engagement ring.”

Her eyes don’t look away from Cassian, and she knows, she knows how fucked this is, she knows how much she’s destroying herself, she can feel herself losing all control, can feel how much her sanity is slipping… but she doesn’t have a choice.

“Kay, I need you to bring that ring to the hospital when I come back for him after tomorrow.”

There’s a long silence, and then she feels his hand awkwardly on her shoulder, gripping it.

“Of course, Jyn. I’ll bring you the ring.”

She nods, and when Kay’s hand shifts over to her other shoulder, pulling him in against her side, she lets out another sob, breaking down in the middle of the hospital, crying into his shoulder.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now on a good note... I was convinced by someone that, rather than leaving the ending ambiguous, I attach an epilogue that makes the future more clear. So, have hope. The ending is no longer bittersweet, but is instead a rainbow after the storm.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, please note that this is an emotional fic. Take care of yourselves, okay?
> 
> Also, if the layout of this chapter feels weird... it is. Purposely.

Same time, everyday. The alarm goes off, and Jyn Erso is standing in the bedroom door, watching, watching for Cassian to wake up, watching as he greets the morning.

He rolls over, reaching for the place where she had been laying, and it’s empty, but warm, a sign that she had only recently vacated it. After a few moments, his eyes open, and they glance move around the room. Confusion is clear on his face - normally, he would be at work at such an hour, but clearly, something has occurred.

Sitting up, he picks up the small tablet beside the bed, pressing play on the screen when it lights up. He’s shifting in the bed, trying to get comfortable, but then the screen begins playing the video.

Jyn is on the screen, and there’s a smile on her face.

“Good morning, sweetheart,” she says, and Cassian immediately smiles in response. “I know you’re probably confused, because it seems as though you overslept, but you’re currently on leave from work. Please don’t upset yourself, but a few weeks ago, you got into a bad accident when a car hit you. No one else was injured, but you broke your arm and your leg, and you have a problem with your memory.”

Jyn in the video takes a deep breath, and then she continues speaking.

“It’s called anterograde amnesia, which means that you’re having a hard time creating new memories, along with remember previous memories. Right now, you think it’s 2016, and that we have Han and Leia’s party tonight, but it’s 2018, and that was two years ago. You’ve only been like this a few weeks, so please don’t stress yourself.”

Her finger is pointing at him through the screen, and the frown lines on Cassian’s face start to fade. “I’m serious. Every day, you remember more and more, and while you don’t recognize it, I do. The swelling has finally gone down, which means your brain can finally heal. How can you help it heal? By not trying to remember anything, by staying calm and relaxed, and by enjoying the time you get to spend with me. I’m working from home these days, which is perfect.”

She smiles at him on the camera, and her hand reaches up to brush her hair back from her face, a flash of sparkle clear on her left ring finger as she does so. Cassian smiles back, and Jyn is still smiling on video at him.

“Now, when you’re ready, I need you to get up, get dressed, brush your teeth, maybe shave if it’s a bit long, and then come into the kitchen. I’ll have breakfast ready for you, and then once you’re ready, we’ll go about our day. I’ll talk to you soon.”

The video stops, and Cassian is still smiling, then looks up. Their eyes meet, and she smiles at him. She’s waiting, waiting to see… he smiles at her, though, like he loves her, like all he knows is this,

He’s getting stronger, rising out of bed, and she watches as he makes his way towards her. Once at the door, his arm goes around her waist, pulling her body close to his. They kiss each other, long and slow, and then she pulls away, going back into the kitchen.

She has two minutes until he comes to get his breakfast, just two minutes for him to brush his teeth and decide to not change, and then she has to continue on with this facade.

Once he enters the kitchen she turns around, there’s a smile on her face, and she’s holding a cup of coffee towards Cassian.

“Good morning,” she says with a smile, and Cassian takes the few steps towards her to accept the cup. It’s just how he likes it, of course, and he takes a sip immediately, before then setting it down onto the counter.

“Good morning,” he murmurs back, and then his lips press to hers. It’s a soft and gentle kiss, one of love and tenderness, and when they pull away, their eyes are still closed, his good arm going around her shoulders to pull her close.

They stand there together for a long moment, and then Jyn pulls back, pressing her lips to his again. They hold each other for a moment longer, and then she smiles as she takes another step back, turning off the stove where the eggs had been cooking.

“I planned that video just long enough that I would have time to make you breakfast,” she says with a grin, handing him a plate with a slice of toast and two eggs, and when he accepts it from her, he presses another kiss to her forehead.

They’ve clearly done this before, because then Jyn turns away from him, back towards to the stove, eyes closed again, and she takes in a slow breath.

“Beautiful, efficient with time management, manages to make me breakfast - I’m a lucky man.”

Jyn laughs in response, but it’s a little forced. Her hand then goes to her lips, fingers covering it. She can’t see, but Cassian is looking at her with concern, then takes another bite of toast, and enjoys another sip of coffee.

“How long have I been like this?” he asks, and Jyn turns back towards him to answer.

“A little over a month.”

Cassian pauses with the fork, and raises an eyebrow.

“How many days exactly?” he asks, and she shakes her head.

“No stressing yourself about it, okay? It has been thirty-eight days, and it is a Tuesday, and we’re going to physical therapy.”

Cassian nods, taking another bite. His eyes then flick away around the room, and they seem to keep catching.

“Two years?” he asks, and when he looks back, Jyn’s hands are on the counter, her gaze out towards the living room.

“Two years. Don’t worry, you didn’t miss our wedding.”

She smiles at that, and looks back at Cassian, who grins.

“I was wondering why there was no ring on my hand, and why there was no wedding pictures.”

Jyn is clearly ready with an answer as she raises her cup to her lips. “We keep saying we’ll put up new pictures after the wedding.”

“When is it?” he asks, but Jyn shakes her head no.

“I will not tell you. You are not allowed to stress. I will say this much - you will remember everything you need to in time. You have been like this for this long because of the swelling, but it has begun to go down. The doctor expects changes almost every day.”

He nods, taking his last bite of eggs, and then she sets down her mug.

“I’m proud of you,” she says, and her fingers run into his hair, brushing it back from his face. “You’re doing so good, but stressing yourself will only make it worse, okay?”

He nods, and they share a smile.

Their morning is easy, physical therapy, and then they stop for lunch. Jyn lets him order, and he grins, saying he has never had this before, but he wants to be daring - a roast beef with some strange cheese on it. Jyn just smiles in response.

When they return home, they watch a movie, and it is one that Cassian chooses, something he remembers. Jyn is asleep ten minutes in, but Cassian watches it, practically mouthing out the words. He’s proud that he can remember this.

Dinner is a simple affair, Jyn orders a pizza, and Cassian eats exactly three and a half slices. Then, it’s time to get ready for bed.

After showering, Cassian is in bed, his body heavy where he lies, and he is looking at Jyn. Jyn is lying beside him, wearing his t-shirt and a pair of shorts, and they cannot take their eyes off one another.

“You won’t remember today when you wake up tomorrow,” she whispers, and Cassian nods.

They both lick their lips, and then Jyn presses a kiss to his cheek. He catches her lips in response, and it’s a long, slow kiss. When they finally part, Cassian is unable to keep his eyes open.

“Why am I so tired?” he asks.

“Because your brain can only hold so much,” she breathes out. “It’s starting to forget, to forget this morning. Do you remember what you ate for breakfast?”

Cassian shakes his head, and Jyn lets out a sigh.

“What about lunch? What did we have for lunch?”

“We ate at… we ate out, on our way home from…”

“Do you remember what we did today?”

Cassian lets out a huff in response, and Jyn just presses another kiss to his forehead.

“It’s okay. Just close your eyes. Remember, I’ll be here when you wake up.”

It takes all of five minutes for Cassian to start snoring, and then Jyn climbs out of bed, goes into the kitchen, and turns on a light.

Opening up her laptop, she continues from where she left off. During his physical therapy, Jyn had been able to listen to the recording, type it all up. She made every mention of everything they said, did, and when she reached the end of the recording she had, she lets out a sigh.

There’s a bottle of pills on the counter, to help her sleep, but she ignores them, instead going for a glass of wine.

The document is saved, and then she goes back into the bedroom, the room she had rearranged while he was hospitalized, with the blanket that had been hers back on the bed, and her things in the closet. She stares at the ring on her hand for a long time, and then shifts back into the bed.

Cassian reaches for her, and she doesn’t pull away.

It takes a long time for Jyn to finally sleep, and when she does, it is restless.

 

_Cassian is only six years old when he knows what it is like to kill a man, and he drops the gun, horror on his face._

_“You did good,” the man whispers. “You did as you are told. You did what you had to do. You have made the streets safer. Don’t you know, the police, they aren’t here to help us, just hurt us. You did right in keeping your street safe.”_

_Cassian still runs home, hides under the blankets, sobs his heart out. He has no one, no one else, and his father had fought for a free country, a free state, where the police would no longer be corrupt, and the people could be safe again, but Cassian isn’t sure his father would agree with him fighting on the same side as the Drug Lords._

_He’s pretty sure that no side really wins, and the only people that lose are people like him._

_He is six years old when he knows what it feels like to take a man’s life, and it is not the last time._

 

“Beautiful, efficient with time management, manages to make me breakfast - I’m a lucky man.”

Jyn laughs in response, but it’s a little forced. Her hand then goes to her lips, fingers covering it. She can’t see, but Cassian is looking at her with concern, then takes another bite of toast, and enjoys another sip of coffee.

“How long have I been like this?” he asks, and Jyn turns back towards him to answer.

“A little over a month.”

Cassian pauses with the fork, and raises an eyebrow.

“How many days exactly?” he asks, and she shakes her head.

“No stressing yourself about it, okay? It has been forty days, and it is a Thursday, and we’re going to physical therapy.”

Cassian nods, taking another bite. His eyes then flick away around the room, and they seem to keep catching.

“Two years?” he asks, and when he looks back, Jyn’s hands are on the counter, her gaze out towards the living room.

“Two years. Don’t worry, you didn’t miss our wedding.”

  


_He’s good with a rifle._

_Most of the kids in the neighborhood, their eyes weren’t so good, but Cassian has perfect eyesight. He can look through the scope and shoot a man six blocks away, can take him out without a breath. He’s small and light, can disappear in a crowd, can hop down and jump into a car._

_A dead kid can’t tell any tales, but an alive one can keep shooting._

_He knows what to do if he’s caught. He knows the punishment if he squeals._

_He’s good with a rifle, and he doesn’t get caught._

_He never gets caught._

 

“How many days exactly?” he asks, and she shakes her head.

“No stressing yourself about it, okay? It has been forty-three days, and it is a Sunday, and we’re going to lay on the couch.”

...

“Why am I so tired?” he asks.

“Because your brain can only hold so much,” she breathes out. “It’s starting to forget, to forget this morning. Do you remember what you ate for breakfast?”

Cassian shakes his head, and Jyn lets out a sigh.

“What about lunch? What did we have for lunch?”

“We ate at… you made...”

“Do you remember what we did today?”

There’s a light in his eyes for a few moments, and then it fades, the memory disappearing before their very eyes.

  


_He’s fast, faster than the other kids. He can run, run for miles, whether it’s from lack of food or adrenaline. He can run with messages, can run with drugs, can run with weapons. He’s good at sitting on alarm duty, watching the road for cars to come near the encampments._

_He’s trusted, trusted because it seems to be ingrained in him, his sense of loyalty. He’ll do anything asked of him, anything at all._

_It’s not like he has a choice._

 

“No stressing yourself about it, okay? It has been forty-seven days, and it is a Thursday, and we’re going to physical therapy.”

…

“I don’t know why, but I feel like I really like the roast beef.”

…

We ate… there was cheese on it… I think…”

 

_The first choice he gets, Cassian takes it. He doesn’t know why, knows better than to trust this agent, but when he asks Cassian to plant a bug, to squeal, he takes it. Maybe it’s because Cassian can’t stand the blood on his hands anymore. Maybe it’s because he can’t deny that the things he does are wrong. Maybe it’s because he knows that he’s just a kid caught between rival drug lords and the corrupt police._

_He makes a choice, and he has one, because this agent, Cassian could kill him, could kill him and run, or kill himself, or -_

_He takes the bug, plants it, and when Agent Draven puts him on a plane across the border with new papers and a new life waiting for him, Cassian doesn’t look back._

 

“No stressing yourself about it, okay? It has been fifty-one days, and it is a Monday, and we’re going to go for a walk today.”

…

“Today we… did we… why do I feel like we fed the ducks at the pond?”

 

_He never talks about it. He doesn’t talk about it with his foster parents, and he’s grateful that Draven and his wife take him in, once Draven wraps up the case and returns back to the states, but it doesn’t feel like home._

_He looks in the mirror and hates himself. He doesn’t see a kid, like the others in school. All he sees is the blood, sees what they made him into._

_He’s twelve years old, but he feels ancient._

 

“No stressing yourself about it, okay? It has been fifty-four days, and it is a Thursday, and we’re going to physical therapy.”

…

“Because your brain can only hold so much,” she breathes out. “It’s starting to forget, to forget this morning. Do you remember what you ate for breakfast?”

“Did we have eggs?”

 

_He doesn’t talk about it. He never talks about it. Never talks about what he did. Never talks about what he saw. It’s all just bottled up. Buried. Hidden away. He doesn’t talk about the nightmares. Doesn’t mention the headaches. He just… shuts it out, as though it can one day disappear_

It’s late morning when Cassian wakes up, and he rolls over, reaching for the person beside him in bed. The space there is empty, but warm, a sign that someone had only recently vacated it. After a few moments, his eyes open, and they glance at the time. Confusion is clear on his face - normally, he would be at work at such an hour, but clearly, something has occurred.

He’s not even fully sitting up before his hand reaches to the bedside table, an action done as though he expects something to be there, and he lifts up a tablet, pressing play on it immediately.

“Good morning, sweetheart,” she says, and Cassian stares at it for a long moment. “I know you’re probably confused, because it seems as though you overslept, but you’re currently on leave from work. Please don’t upset yourself, but a few weeks ago, you got into a bad accident when a car hit you. No one else was injured, but you broke your arm and your leg, and you have a problem with your memory.”

Jyn takes a deep breath, and then she continues in the video.

“It’s called anterograde amnesia, which means that you’re having a hard time creating new memories, along with remember previous memories. Right now, you think it’s 2016, and that we have Han and Leia’s party tonight, but it’s 2018, and that was two years ago. You’ve only been like this a few weeks, so please don’t stress yourself.”

Her finger is pointing at him through the screen, and the Cassian’s head tilts slightly. “I’m serious. Every day, you’re remember more and more, and while you don’t recognize it, I do. The swelling has finally gone down, which means your brain can finally heal. How can you help it heal? By not trying to remember anything, by staying calm and relaxed, and by enjoying the time you get to spend with me. I’m working from home these days, which is perfect.”

She smiles at him on the camera, and her hand reaches up to brush her hair back from her face, a flash of sparkle clear on her left ring finger as she does so. Cassian’s eyes catch on the ring, and his eyes soften, a smile on his face, and Jyn is still smiling on video at him.

“Now, when you’re ready, I need you to get up, get dressed, brush your teeth, maybe shave if it’s a bit long, and then come into the kitchen. I’ll have breakfast ready for you, and then once you’re ready, we’ll go about our day. I’ll talk to you soon.”

Jyn leaves the room as she hears the last words. Something is different today. The video stops, and Cassian climbs out of bed, pulling on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, then walks out into the kitchen. 

She is standing at the kitchen sink, her back towards Cassian, because on her face is a look of complete agony. Her eyes are closed, and she is taking in a slow breath, before her eyes open, and she counts to ten under her breath.

When she turns around, there’s a smile on her face, and she’s holding a cup of coffee towards Cassian.

“Good morning,” she says with a smile, and Cassian takes the few steps towards her to accept the cup. It’s just how he likes it, of course, and he takes a sip immediately, before then setting it down onto the counter.

“Good morning,” he murmurs back, and then he kisses her. It isn’t soft or gentle, but a hard kiss, a passionate kiss. His good hand goes into her hair, brushing it back from her face, and she responds immediately, even though her body seems tense from the motion.

When Cassian pulls away, Jyn lets go of him, turning back to the stove, where the eggs are cooking.

“Did you plan that video to be just long enough so that you had time to make breakfast?” his voice says behind her, and Jyn turns around, lips parted, eyebrows raised in shock.

“Yeah… I did,” she says.

He kisses her again, taking the plate, and then walks to sit down and eat.

“Beautiful, efficient with time management, manages to make me breakfast - I’m a lucky man.”

Jyn can’t bring herself to laugh, just watches him, and Cassian looks up at her, his eyes looking sad and tired.

“How long have I been like this?” he asks, and Jyn presses her lips together to answer.

“Almost two months.”

Cassian pauses with the fork, and raises an eyebrow.

“How many days exactly?” he asks, and she takes a breath before finally answering..

“No stressing yourself about it, okay? It has been fifty-nine days, and it is a Tuesday, and-”

“I have physical therapy today, don’t I?” he asks.

Jyn just blinks, then gives a nod.

They don’t say anything else for a long time, but once he finishes his food, he looks up at her, at her hand, and reaches out, taking it.

“When is our wedding?” he asks. His eyes have glanced to his own hand, the lack of a ring, and she almost jerks her hand away.

“Don’t worry about it. You’ll remember in more than enough time.”

Cassian nods, but he looks sad.

“We need to go,” she finally says, and he gives a nod, going to finish getting dressed.

They don’t speak. Cassian says no to stopping for lunch. He wants to read rather than watch a movie. He doesn’t eat any pizza.

When they get into bed, Jyn is still sitting up, looking at him hard.

“Cassian, I-”

“Why do I feel so off?” he asks, and she shakes her head. “I feel like… like something isn’t right.”

Jyn is quiet for a long moment, and then Cassian finally speaks.

“Is my memory coming back?” he asks.

Jyn doesn’t respond to that either, then nods her head.

“I’m not supposed to remember this tomorrow, am I?”

She shakes her head.

“But I feel like we’ve done this before.”

She nods again.

“Do you remember what she ate for breakfast?” she finally asks, and he nods his head.

“Eggs, coffee, toast.”

His memory is coming back.

She doesn’t move to lay down in the bed beside him, but then Cassian pulls her down by her wrist, forcing her, more or less, to lay down beside him. He’s quiet for a moment, then asks softly, “Can I hold you?”

Jyn nods, and when Cassian wraps his arms around her, Jyn looks as though she might cry. They lay there together, holding one another, for a few minutes, and then Jyn gets out of the bed, Cassian snoring softly, to walk into the living room.

When she gets there, she bursts into tears.

 

* * *

  

Jyn is sitting on the floor in the kitchen, her hand clinging to her phone. She knows the phone call she has to make, can’t believe it came to this, but here she is. The tears are running down her face, and the ring is no longer on her finger, instead sitting in the empty glass she had filled with wine, and then drained immediately.

She’s out of wine, considers the sleeping pills, but she knows better than to mix.

She doesn’t want to kill herself. She just wants to sleep until the pain goes away.

Pressing the call button, Jyn sucks in a breath, waiting until she hears Kay’s voice.

“Jyn, is Cassian alright?” comes the rushed voice, and Jyn tries, tries so hard, and she sucks it all in, sucks in a breath, trying to control her tears.

“He’s… he’s remembering,” she chokes out.

She doesn’t want this to happen, has been keeping it together by keeping the same schedule, but passing each day the same, by trying to disconnect herself from it. She had convinced herself that she was just an actress, playing the part, but now, now that it’s time for her to step aside, she doesn’t know how to handle it.

“Do you think it will be tomorrow, or?”

Jyn nods to herself, licking her lips. “Yeah… Yeah, he… He knew all day, things I would normally say. He said he felt strange, and…”

She’s trying so hard, but she breaks down into sobs. There’s a heavy breath on the other side of the line, and then Kay’s voice.

“I’ll be there in the morning, so that when he wakes up… just in case…”

Jyn nods, her eyes pinching shut. She knew this day would come, had hoped for it, but now that it was here?

“Jyn, Cassian doesn’t deserve what you did for him. What you put yourself through-”

“I screwed up,” she sobbed out. “I should have never offered to do this to begin with. I did this to myself, I let you do this to me. We could have recorded a video, they could have lied to him, put him in a facility…”

“But you couldn’t bring yourself to let him stay there,” Kay said softly.

It was true. She had been unable to look past the man that looked at her with a glow in his eyes, like she was the center of his world.

“Kay, I still love him so bad it hurts. It hurts so bad, and I know that Cassian doesn’t still love me, but-”

“Don’t say that,” Kay says. Kay never talks about the man that Cassian had been right before the accident, but she can hear the hitch in his voice. “Jyn… never think that Cassian doesn’t love you.”

It takes all of two seconds for those words to hit her, and then she loses it entirely, sobbing so hard she sets the phone down beside her. She still loves him, loves him after all this time. She always knew there was secrets, knew there was something wrong, but she had never pushed him, never prodded. She had her own past, and while he was aware of it…

Maybe if she had pushed him, he wouldn’t have ripped out her heart. Maybe if she hadn’t pushed him, they would be together.

Picking up the phone, Jyn forces herself to make out the words.

“When you get here, if he remembers… I’ll just come back for my things later, okay?”

There’s a long silence, and then-

“Jyn, you need to talk to someone about this. What has happened here… for anyone, it would be too much. I think both of you need to see someone.”

Her eyes drift to the card on the fridge, and she makes a mental note to make the call, because… yeah.

“Yeah… yeah, I think you’re right,” she chokes out. She has never talked to anyone else about any of this, about losing her mama, her papa, her uncle Saw, only to Cassian, and somewhat to Bodhi.

Cassian had been her confidant, and when she lost him…

She had kept this bottled up for too long.

“I’ll see you in the morning, Jyn,” Kay says.

When they hang up, Jyn stays there until almost 4 am, looking at the pictures they’ve taken together over the past thirty days. They’re smiling in every one, unless they’re kissing. He’s always touching her, holding her.

When she finally realizes how late it is, Jyn pushes herself up, goes back into the bedroom. Cassian is asleep, and she considers the couch… but one last time.

Sliding into the bed, Jyn feels Cassian’s arms wrap around her, pulling her close to him again. His lips are in her hair, and she tries to close her eyes, tries to sleep.

Sleep seems to evade her, but she finally finds it around dawn, her fingers interlocked with Cassian’s, holding him close, one last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When will the next Chapter be posted? Literally as soon as it's done. It's halfway done now, and it's the only google doc I have open until this AU is completed.
> 
> In other news...
> 
> I'm breaking up my Collection of Ficlets and putting them into their own works. Sorry about the emails you'll be getting!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Real talk, y'all. Don't mix your meds with alcohol. Therapy is good and healthy for the soul. Communication is good for the soul. Love is Respect. Take care of yourselves!

When Cassian wakes up, he feels… disoriented. His arm is in a cast, his leg is sore, and when he looks beside him, there’s a woman, dark hair like Jyn’s, but that’s not a surprise. He has a type, after all, when he tries to forget everything. A glance at the clock tells him how late it is, and he lets out a groan - fuck, he overslept. There’s a tablet beside the bed, and he wrinkles his brow, confusion hitting him even harder.

How much did he drink last night?

Pressing the play button, he stares at the screen, and then freezes, because it’s Jyn’s face, it’s Jyn’s voice, it’s-

He watches the video the whole way through, and he has to go back, watch the flash of the ring, can’t believe what he’s seeing. He looks for his phone, doesn’t see it, but he does pull up the calendar app on the tablet - it’s fucking 2018. He doesn’t remember past… Well no, he remembers 2018, he remembers heading out to the bar, he remembers… a bright light and…

Fuck, that was two months ago.

There’s a shift in the body beside him, and Cassian realizes in horror who it is. He sees the ring on her hand, sees the ring, and she’s wearing it, she’s wearing the ring he bought for her fucking years ago, had been fighting with himself for ages to propose, and -

He can remember it so clearly, can remember sinking to one knee, asking her to marry him, can remember… he can’t remember… no, he remembers her telling him no, her telling him that his past, the things he had done, that he was too broken. Yeah, that’s right. Two years ago, he had proposed, and she had turned him down.

Now, she’s laying in his bed, wearing the ring that he had gotten rid of.

She shifts again, and Cassian can see it, her body tensing, a sign that she’s waking up, and then she stretches, her feet hitting the floor, her going to get out of bed.

She doesn’t seem to realize he’s awake until she turns around to grab her phone, and freezes.

“Cassian… Sorry, I must have slept in. Did you already watch the-”

“The hell is this?” he asks, and his voice his rough, too rough.

Her face drops from the smile she’s forcing there, and then there’s tears in her eyes. Tears. What right does she have to cry after ripping out his heart, after stomping all over him, and then he wakes up to find her in his bed?

“Kay,” she calls out, and she’s getting choked up.

A part of Cassian wants to go to her, crawl to her, even with his leg in a cast, to beg her to come home to him, to let them be together, but a part of him feels like it was just yesterday that she turned him down when he asked her to marry him.

“Kay, I think… I think it happened.”

The door opens, and there’s his best friend standing there, concern on his face.

It only makes Cassian angrier.

“The hell is going on? I lost my memory? What is she even doing here? What the-”

“Cassian, you need to sit back down,” Kay says, and Jyn is nodding behind him, both of them approaching. “You’ve been in therapy for two months. Seriously, don’t hurt yourself.”

He forces himself to sit back down, and Jyn lingers at the foot of the bed - it’s covered in her family quilt, and the room is all shifted around. Nothing is like it’s supposed to be.

“Cassian, you lost your memory,” Kay says, and his voice is calm and even. “You thought it was 2016. Jyn… she moved in to help you, because it was before… before you broke up.”

Cassian scoffs, doesn’t even look at Jyn.

“Don’t you mean before she stomped on my heart and walked out?”

There’s a two second pause, and then Jyn bursts into sobs, and Kay looks like he’s ready to hit him.

“What… Cassian, what do you mean? What do you mean  _ she walked out? _ ”

For two seconds, Cassian doubts himself, but no, he remembers it clearly. “I asked her to marry me, and she laughed in my face, threw that ring at me, said I would never be good enough, said-”

“Shut up!” Kay yells, and Cassian freezes, because he had never in his life heard his friend yell, or lose his temper. “Shut up. Jyn deserves better than to hear this kind of bullshit. Seriously? You think Jyn-”

The door slams shut, and Cassian realizes that Jyn has left. The ring is sitting on the edge of the dresser, and her purse is gone.

“She… she broke up with me,” Cassian gasps, his voice week. “I asked her to marry me, and she said no.”

Kay looks genuinely concerned, which has Cassian scared, until the man finally speaks.

“Cassian… she came home from work one day, and you had taken all of her stuff to Bodhi’s, had changed the locks. You literally slammed the door in her face, blocked her number. Cassian, you never proposed.”

No…  _ No _ . Nothing about that is correct.

“I remember… I remember proposing. I got down… I did it… Fuck, I don’t remember where, but I proposed, I know I-”

“You need to see your doctor, you need to talk to someone,” Kay says, but Cassian shakes his head.

“I’m not seeing a doctor, I’m not… she broke up with me.”

“No.”

“She did, she walked out, she-”

“Cassian, no.”

“She had to, there’s no way I would ever… I wouldn’t…”

It hits him hard, that he doesn’t know what’s going on, that Jyn had been there, the video, the video of her telling him, and Kay, and… nothing about his memories feel right, his body feels all wrong, and it the tears… he breaks down into tears, his face in his hands.

He doesn’t know who he is, not really, but he hates himself all the same.

 

* * *

 

For the next six months, Cassian spends Tuesdays and Thursdays in physical therapy, Fridays eating lunch with Kay, and Mondays and Wednesdays sitting in a psychiatrist’s office. He even gets a double time slot, a whole three hours, during which time they unpack his baggage.

It happens to be a lot.

At first, Kay came with him, helping Cassian to remember what is fact and what isn’t. It took two months for Cassian to accept that, despite the fact he remembered it entirely differently, he had been the one to break up with Jyn. The neurologist said it was normal, that his brain was trying to fill in the blanks, and that what he remembers might not be accurate, but that there was no way to change it.

He’s still not sure where he had been going when he was hit, but Cassian does remember thinking of Jyn. Maybe that’s his mind filling in the blanks. It probably wasn’t.

The doctor calls his past behavior borderline personality disorder, but all it means to Cassian is that, as much as he tried to avoid his past, to forget it, to move on, he had destroyed his life over the past two years, had destroyed himself.

His professional reputation was in tatters, his friendships had all faded, save for Kay, and the love of his life was no longer talking to him. He spent his days in the darkness, the migraines, a sign of his disorder, keeping him from going out, and his nights were spent trying to numb it all.

Cassian hadn’t seen her since she walked out of his life six months prior, and he hates himself every day for it.

“You have to stop hating yourself,” the psychiatrist says, and there’s a therapist as well, the two of them working to balance his medications, working on getting him to talk, and working with the neurologist. It’s a good thing he still even has a job, but it’s only because of his medical problems. Otherwise, he couldn’t afford all of this.

“I can’t hate myself for destroying my own life?” he asks, and the therapist tuts at him.

They’ve been through this before. They’ll go through this again.

He has to accept his past. He gets that. Has to accept that he survived what he endured. He has to… well, he takes the medicine. It’s working, he thinks. He doesn’t want to harm himself. He’s no longer destroying things. He hasn’t drank.

It could also be the accident itself. The neurologist thought that the injury could change things, change how he processes and handles things. Sometimes, a brain injury can cause BPD, but for the person that already has it…

It’s trial and error, they say.

Trial and error is taking too long.

“I just… I know why I am this way,” he says, and he’s looking at his hands. “I know I can’t keep it bottled up. I know I still have Kay, that I can find a new job, that I can get better, but I don’t know to fix…”

Jyn deserves better than him. Jyn deserves happiness in her life. He can’t ruin that for her.

“Some things cannot be fixed,” the therapist says, and Cassian nods.

“I’m not doing this for her, these appointments.” He says it every time he’s here, because it’s true. He doesn’t want to return to how he felt before the accident, the constant state of reckless and loose behavior, the urge for drugs, for alcohol, for any woman that glanced his way, anything to forget- he had been on a path of self destruction, and he doesn’t want to continue on.

“I just… I wish I could somehow make it up to her.”

He hasn’t heard from Jyn in six months, and he doesn’t know what to do. Her phone number is different, and Bodhi has his number blocked. He thinks Kay might talk to her. Kay won’t answer that, though. No matter how much Cassian begs to just know she’s okay.

“I just wish I could tell her why I did it,” he says. He feels like a broken record, but it hasn’t changed. He could explain to everyone else, has already returned to the friendship he had with Baze and Chirrut, and Cee occasionally comes to dinner with him and Kay. He suspects that Leia might start coming along as well, eventually, but…

“She deserves an explanation.”

The timer goes off, saying they have five minutes left, and he sucks it back in, sitting back on the couch.

“The medicine, you’re still taking it, right? Don’t stop just because you feel better.”

They talk about this every session, how just because they found medicine that helps him out, it doesn’t mean he can just stop, and doesn’t mean it can’t stop working in the future. The migraines are gone, though, the ones that told him he was losing it, and that’s… that’s the best sign there is.

“Yeah, twice a day,” he says, and he rubs his hands on his pants, trying to get the sweat off of them.

“Cassian,” the therapist says, and he stops, knows that it’s one of his ticks, one of the things he doesn’t have to do. He feels… dirty. It’s not real, though, and he stops, fingers clenching, and gives a nod.

“We may need to up the dosage, but not today,” the psychiatrist says, and he gives a nod.

Cassian lets out a breath, then pushes himself to stand. His hip is aching again, but he’s doing better in physical therapy. The therapist is still in the room, but the psychiatrist follows him out.

He’s just reaching the door to head out when he hears a voice, and it takes him back, takes him by surprise, because he knows that voice. He knows that voice because it haunts him, haunts his dreams, haunts his memories.

He can so clearly remember going down on one knee, but he can’t really remember her response, just the heartache.

_ You slammed the door in her face. She’s the one with the broken heart _ .

She looks a little broken now.

The scarf around her neck is one he gave her, and her hair looks messy, but it’s also the end of the day. Her gloves have seen better days, but they’re the same ones she had in college. He always loved warming the tips of her fingers with his breath. Her face is thinner, though, and she’s not wearing makeup as she normally does on work days.

For two seconds, he wants to go to her, wants to kiss her, but then he remembers - she isn’t his fiancee. That ring he remembers offering to her, it had only been on her finger to live a lie, to help him through his ordeal. It burns, now, burns on his skin where he wears it around his neck, a constant reminder that he has to change, because otherwise, he’ll hurt people. 

Jyn is there, asking to see the doctor, talking about her medicine, and he… of all the places in this city, they see the same psychiatrist.

“Doctor? There’s someone that needs to talk to you.”

The doctor walks up behind him, ready to step into the lobby, but Cassian can’t move. She’s there, it has to be her, or if it’s a vision… Fuck, if it’s a vision, he really is losing it.

Jyn turns towards him, towards the doorway, and their eyes lock. Cassian still doesn’t move, and Jyn is frozen. There’s a doctor behind him, and…

Cassian wants to go to her, but the heartbreak on her face, the way her shoulders slump, how she looks away, tears in her eyes…

For him, it had been two and a half years since they broke up, but she had to live with two months of pretending they were together. Two months, of her suffering. This was still fresh for her, even after six months.

He had done this to her. He had made the woman he love break like that.

Rather than moving forward, Cassian turned, returning to the room he just came from. The therapist is still there, and he shuts the door behind himself.

He can feel it, can feel the anger, but then he pushes it back down before turning on the man.

“Jyn Erso, the woman that I’ve spent six months talking about, the woman that I still remember proposing to, is standing in the waiting room. She’s asking to talk to the doctor, her doctor, who is also mine. Six months of coming here, and no one told me?”

There’s a long pause, and then the therapist speaks. “Cassian, the only person that we are here to discuss is you. We are not here to discuss anyone else, whether or not they are a patient, nor their health.”

He gets it, he knows that’s their rules, or whatever, but Jyn is…

She’s right there, and he’s hiding in a therapist’s office.

“I still fucking love her,” he chokes out, and it hurts so bad to confess, because he can’t even confess it to himself. “I spend every night hating myself because  _ she _ was the best thing in my life, and I ruined it. And now, she’s in another room, on medicine, because  _ I fucking broke her _ .”

There’s another long pause, with the therapist’s mouth open, but Cassian shakes his head.

“Cassian, I know you’re upset, but you need to-”

“I know I have to calm down,” he chokes out. He knows what the therapist is looking for, watching. The anger, the rage. They’re looking to see if he holds his head, the migraine returning. What the man doesn't realize is, it’s not anger.

He’s heartbroken. He’s fucking heartbroken.

“I’m not angry,” he says. “I just… I can never forgive myself for what I did.”

“Cassian, you cannot hate yourself for the rest of your life. All you can do is work on moving forward.”

How can Cassian move forward when his future doesn’t hold her in it?”

He’s quiet for a long moment, then finally speaks. “I wish I could change what happened, but I can’t, and I know I don’t deserve her, but I wish… I wish that I could just tell her thank you.”

There’s a quiet moment, and then the therapist speaks. “If you want to make amends, but she doesn't want to be found, then there is nothing more you can do. You say that you believe your friend is in contact with her, ask if he will offer a message. If not, you will have to come to terms with the fact that she does not want to speak with you, as is her right.”

He knows that, he knows that Jyn can shut him out of her life for good, and he can’t do anything else, but… he can’t just give her up.

“When you come back for your next session, we can discuss how you want to go about making amends for what happened in the past, perhaps work on explaining your feelings, so that if she does reach out, you can respond.”

Cassian nods, because that’s a good idea.

When he finally leaves the office, Jyn isn’t there, and neither is her car in the parking lot.

He spends the rest of the night staring at the ring, hating himself even more.

 

* * *

 

Jyn is standing in the middle of the office when the door closes, and she feels… nothing. She knows she just saw Cassian, knows that the man that broke her heart is standing out there, and she still loves him so much it burns in her, but at that moment she feels emptiness. Complete and utter emptiness.

“Today, I saw the man that threw me into long overdue therapy.” Her words are emotionless as she speaks, her eyes lost on the wall. “I know, you can’t confirm or deny, but unless I just hallucinated, that was Cassian, and if it is a hallucination, doesn’t change my problem. I saw him… and I felt nothing.”

The psychiatrist is quiet for a moment, then clears his throat.

“What would you expect to feel if you saw him?”

Jyn scoffs, rolling her eyes, but that’s all the emotion she has in her. “I know that I do feel something, pain, love, but I don’t think you get it - I know you said to give the medicine a month, but I feel nothing. I don’t… I don’t even remember the last week, and I’ve thought a thousand times about what I want to say to him, when I reach out to him, but all I could do was stare at him, because I felt  _ nothing _ .”

Nothing, utter nothing. A side effect of SSRIs.

“It sounds as though your dosage is too high. Let me pull up your file - you weren’t feeling the last dosage, if I remember correctly, still felt ‘reckless and manic?’”

Those had been her words. Reckless. She had been drinking too much. Manic, from a high to a low. She had stopped working, had only wanted to drink, to numb the pain, had shoved away her friends, shoved away Bodhi, had shut herself off, allowing her depression to rule her.

She was getting better, but she was still broken.

“Yeah. Something in between.”

She’s still staring at the wall, completely empty, and she thinks about… Cassian comes here. Cassian comes to the same place she does

_ Cassian is in therapy, and seeing a psychiatrist _ .

She had been the one to reach out to Kay, two weeks after. She was grateful that the man had given her time, and when she did reach out - he asked what she wanted to know. All she wanted to know was if the amnesia was gone, and if his casts had been removed. After she had confirmation, she had hung up.

One month later, she had called Kay again, and finally asked how  _ he _ was. Not Cassian. She couldn’t bring herself to ask about Cassian. She and Kay chatted, chatted about their friends, about Cee, about…

Jyn had shut herself off from everyone else, but she had confessed that she was going to therapy, that she was working on it.

Three months after Cassian “woke up”, Jyn had finally told Kay that she wanted to know how Cassian was. Kay wouldn’t share. She understood that, understood the loyalty, but then she asked… “Has he asked you to contact me?”

“Yes.” The answer had been immediate, and Jyn had closed her eyes. “Yes, and I told him that I would only do so if you reached out. He tried calling you, and Bodhi, but no one will pass on a message. He has stopped trying with everyone else, but when I see him… he asks about you.”

Jyn had sniffed, the only response she could give, before finally… she had to say it. “I’m not ready yet, Kay, but when I am… I’ll let you know. Does he still think that I-”

“No. I told him the truth. He truly doesn’t remember what happened that night, but after enough repetition, he believes me more than his own memories.”

Jyn had scoffed, because really… go figure. She would never know the truth. “So he’ll never be able to tell me why we broke up.”

There was a long silence, and then Kay had finally responded. “I informed him. He knows. When you’re ready, Jyn, you need to be aware that Cassian may not be ready yet. He wants to be, and not because of you, but in general. He’s not there yet, but he will be.”

Jyn had smiled to herself, because yeah, she wanted to be ready too. Even if they weren’t together anymore, she just wanted to know he was okay, to apologize, to say… She just wanted to say all the shit she never had before.

“When I’m ready, I’ll call, okay?”

Kay had agreed, and when Jyn had hung up…

She shouldn’t be mixing her meds with alcohol, but she wasn’t ready yet… she could be that honest with herself.

Two months later, and Jyn hasn’t drank since. Too much of a pill that she would never touch again, mixed with wine… she was lucky she didn’t die. The alcohol was gone. She had been afraid that it would be hard, that maybe she had truly become dependent, but getting out again, running, working out…

She was close, so close. She was better.

Just, right now, a little too much.

The psychiatrist hands her the updated script, and Jyn wavers slightly where she stands, remembering why she’s there. Another side effect of too much of the medicine… she keeps zoning in and out.

She’s not ready yet, but she wants to be.

“When I’m ready, I want for you to mediate Cassian and I talking.”

The psychiatrist pauses, then shakes his head. “What we discuss in our sessions is not to be shared with anyone else. I cannot allow another person into your appointment. I can, however, tell you that we have a couple’s therapist on staff. If you and another person wanted to attend, I can set up the referral.”

Jyn nodded. “Not yet. I want to feel… more awake.”

She felt like she was drowning, everything hazy. She needed to come out of this fog“One month. Can we schedule an appointment for a month from now?”

The appointment is made, and then her psychiatrist straightens up from the computer he’s booking her appointment on, looking directly at her at her.

“Jyn, we won’t be able to contact him for you. You will need to reach out yourself. If Cassian is not interested, then let us know, and we can cancel the appointment.”

She nodded, licking her lips. Yeah, yeah, HIPPA and all that. “Thanks. I just… one month, and then… I hope I’m ready.”

 

* * *

 

It has been three weeks since he last saw Jyn.

Three weeks, and he hasn’t heard from her at all, but on the plus side, he knows that the medicine is the right amount, that it’s helping. He isn’t filled with rage, but he isn’t filled with nothing. He’s nervous, but not to the point of self destruction. He hasn’t made any erratic decisions, hasn’t started stalking the psychiatrist’s office, and he had only asked Kay twice if she had reached out to him.

He had told himself to give it a month before he really panicked… and he could do it. 

He went to therapy, he switched jobs to something more flexible, with a little less pay, but better mental health benefits. He finished physical therapy. He even started driving again.

He fucking misses her so bad it hurts.

When Kay calls him, he doesn’t expect the words out of his mouth, before Cassian can even greet him.

“She’s going to text you. Just say yes or no. Don’t say anything more. I’m serious, Cassian, don’t-”

“Fuck,” Cassian gasps, and there’s panic in his chest, but he keeps it together. Yeah, another sign the medicine is working. “Yeah, no, don’t fuck it up. Just yes or no.”

Whatever she wants, he’ll give it to her, and then-

“Cassian, I wasn’t entirely sure that either of you are ready for this, but I spoke with her at length. This is perhaps your last chance. Be honest with her.”

He feels his phone vibrate, a sign that he got a message, and he hangs up, opening it.

There’s a date, a time, and a location.

Underneath is a statement.

_ Couples Counseling. Yes or No? _

There’s no drive to throw something, no need to yell, to drink, to smoke, to do anything. He doesn’t feel the urge to wash his hands, doesn’t feel like he needs to run there now, to be ready. He doesn’t even feel the need to call Kay back, to demand answers.

He’s not sure if he is really better, knows that this will be a lifelong battle, but…

He feels the tears in the corners of his eyes, and sits down hard on the edge of his bed, typing back a message.

_ Yes. _

It kills him not to say more, but he doesn’t have to. He’s going to see her again, in only a few days. He can… he can tell her everything. He can fix this. He can-

The ring on his chest burns, and for a brief moment, he thinks he might actually be able to give it to her one day.

 

* * *

 

When Cassian goes to therapy on Wednesday, the first thing he says is that he has an appointment with Jyn the next day. All he gets back is two black stares, until he finally takes a deep breath, and tries again.

“Tomorrow, I will be seeing my ex girlfriend, and sitting down with her and a couple’s therapist, at her request. I didn’t prompt it, she reached out to me.”

“And, how do you feel about it?”

For the first time in a long time, Cassian smiles. He actually smiles.

“I feel… hopeful.”

It’s the first time he leaves his appointment feeling good.

Coming in the next day, though… 

Jyn isn’t in the waiting room. He checks in for their appointment, alone, and the receptionist doesn’t bat an eye. He waits, their appointment time coming, and then he’s called back. Just him. There’s no mention of Jyn.

It’s all made clear when he steps into the office, a different one from any other he has been in before, and she’s already there, standing in the room. She’s holding a piece of paper, and it reminds him of the paper that’s in his pocket, the one that he had written the day before, the paper listing all of the things he had to tell her, that she needed, deserved, to know.

He wonders if she had already been here, working on her paper. There’s a reason they’ve never run into one another. Maybe she’s on alternating days.

He wants to go to her, to say something, but the door closes. He jumps, glancing back, a side effect of old memories dragged back up, and then he turns back to look at Jyn.

She’s eyeing the furniture, now, and the therapist is still by the door. It takes Cassian a moment to realize what it is… they’re waiting for Jyn to pick her seat, so that everyone else can sit accordingly.

There’s a loveseat, something small and intimate, and across the way, two individual chairs. He gets it now. The therapist is waiting to see if she sits on the couch, so that Cassian can sit beside her, if he wants, or in a chair. He’s waiting to see if they both take a chair, to maintain distance.

He wants to sit beside her, to be able to reach out and touch her hand, but he hasn’t earned that privilege, doesn't deserve it. Instead, he watches as her eyes linger on the loveseat… and then she sits down in a chair. It’s a sign that she wants distance between them, and he gets that, he understands that, tries to remind himself… She’s the one that set this up, that scheduled it. She took the first steps in repairing everything.

Now, he has to respect her boundaries. He has to accept that there’s a distance, and even though it still feels so deeply like she’s the one that destroyed them, he knows it’s his fault, knows why he did it, knows… he did this, he broke them. He just has to hope that her reaching out is a sign that she’s willing to forgive him.

Sitting down in the seat beside hers, he glances over, can see that Jyn is looking at something on her lap. The paper. Right. He should probably… he should pull his out.

He looks down at his own lap, then glances up to see the therapist sitting down on the couch across from them, quiet for a moment before looking up.

“Jyn, we already spoke before Cassian joined us, and I believe you have something you would like to say?”

Jyn nods, and Cassian, he has to… he has to grip the chair, grip the armrests, because he wants so badly to touch her, to reach out and hold her hand. He has pictures of him doing that, could remember the feeling of doing that, all from just a few months ago. How could he live with her for two months, and just not remember? Two months of memories just gone…

Jyn licks her lips, her eyes still on the paper, and her voice is shaky. “Cassian, I-”

She stops, and his knuckles turn white as he tries, tries so hard to keep this distance, this distance that she had placed between them, and he knows that she did it to protect herself, but he wants so desperately to take away the pain, and he can’t. 

He did this. He did this to her.

“I-” There’s tears in her eyes, and they start falling down her cheeks, but she keeps pushing through. “I know that you cannot remember… you can’t… what happened…”

One large tear falls from her face, landing onto the paper in her lap, and then, Jyn just crumbles forward, her hands cover her face and her shoulders hunched over. He has never seen this before, never seen her so shattered and broken, and Cassian…

_ He did this to her _ .

“Jyn, just take your time, there’s no rush-”

Jyn cuts off the therapist, shaking her head, and Cassian is trying so hard, he really is, but he’s unable to stand this much longer.

“I was wrong, I can’t do this, I can’t-” She’s standing up from her chair, shaking her head, and panic strikes him. He knows that look, has seen it before. She’s going to run. Jyn is going to run.

“I can’t do this. I thought I was ready, but I’m-”

She’s having a panic attack, he realizes, or is on the verge of one, and she’s making her way towards the door, crossing the room faster than he realizes. He doesn’t know what to say, how to make her stop, but the therapist has stood, calling her name, and it… it’s not slowing her down.

Her hand is on the door handle, and Jyn, his Jyn, the love of his life, is about to walk out the door.

“I’m sorry, I can’t-”

“I fucked up, Jyn.”

He never interrupts her, has never interrupted her, always clings to her every word. He knows that what she says, she never rushes it, always thinks her thoughts through. Others might think that she’s slow for it, for taking a pause on occasion, but he knows the truth, knows that Jyn only says things that she means, and she can’t… he can’t let her say it, because if she says it, then she means it. He can’t just sit there and let her say that she’s not ready for this, for them, that she’s shoving him away again.

This is his only chance, and he can’t lose this.

“I fucked up so bad. I don’t remember that night, but I remember before, what happened, and I know now… Jyn, please… please just let me tell you  _ why _ . You deserve that much, at least. Some closure.”

She’s frozen at the door, hand still on the handle, turning it slightly, and she’s not looking at him, but - she stopped. She stopped where she was. She hasn’t left yet.

“Jyn, would you like to try speaking again, or would you like to hear what Cassian has to say?”

There’s a long pause, and then a sniff, and Jyn finally looks up at him, away from the door, looks  _ at _ him. “I’ve waited… over two years… to know  _ why _ he broke up with me.”

He knows that, knows he’s a bastard, and he can’t explain why he waited two years to tell her, except to offer what he told Kay after he had shut her out… and the pain he felt for two years afterwards.

“I regretted it, as soon as I did it. I know that much. I can remember… I knew I fucked up. Immediately. Christ, Jyn, I don’t know why I didn’t chase you down…”

She’s not looking at him again, her eyes back on door, but she’s crying more, her body shaking with silent sobs.

“I regretted it before I had even done it. Kay… I did it while he was out of town, because I knew he would stop me. I called him, after I had taken your stuff to Bodhi’s, and he tried… he tried to convince me to stop…”

“Why didn’t you?” she gasps out, and he realizes, suddenly, there are tears on his face as well.

“I was convinced… that if I had already gone that far… the fact that I would consider breaking up with you-”

“Why did you break up with me?” she sobs out, looking over at him finally. “I loved you.”

_ Loved _ . Something about hearing that, about hearing her say she loved him, like it is final, like she doesn’t anymore… it shatters something inside of him.

“Because I’m broken. Because you deserve someone better, someone that-”

“Oh, shove it,” she snaps at him, and he has never heard her voice so coarse towards him before. “We were both broken back then. We still are. Does that mean we have to spend our lives alone because we’re both too broken to be with anyone?”

That shuts him up for a moment, and Jyn… 

She has shifted now, has stepped back towards her chair. He knows that look, has seen it displayed towards other people. Despite the tears on her face, she’s mad.

“For two years, I waited for a reason. I thought that maybe you were dying, or maybe you had cheated, or maybe you thought I had cheated, or- you had a  _ ring _ . Cassian you had a  _ ring _ ! That  _ meant _ something, and one day we’re fine, and then the next…”

He knows… he knows.

He stays in his seat, not moving as she bursts into tears again, licking his lips to find the right words.

“The party, for Leia and Han, while Leia was showing you pictures of her dress, Han–”

“That was your last memory,” she says, interrupting him, and he’s not surprised by that. It answers a few things. “Your last memory was us getting ready to go to the party. It was always the last thing you could remember, when you had amnesia. Everything after that, including the party, was just gone.”

He nods, licking his lips again. “Yeah, I’ll have to… definitely mention that to my therapist. That explains… a lot.”

His gaze goes back to his lap for a moment, and he sniffs, then looks back up at her, his face hardening for a moment as he sets his jaw. “We never talked about our pasts, and while yours was an open secret, mine… not even Kay knows the truth. At the party, Han talked about his past, about how he was scared his faults would bring Leia down, would destroy her future, and something inside of me… it was like everything I had buried deep…”

Something on his face must read how hard this is for him to say, because Jyn doesn’t interrupt him again, doesn’t snap anything out about the future, about what he could or couldn’t do.

This is where he should pull out the paper, and he does so, his hands shaking as he moves down a few bullet points.

“I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, caused by what I suffered as a child. I have spent years trying to bury it, rather than work through it. What it should really be called is emotionally unstable personality disorder. Signs of it are substance abuse, self harm, unstable emotions, unstable relationships, and… reckless behavior.”

He swallows, then, and folds up the paper. There’s more on it, so much more on it, but he…

He looks up at her, a broken man, begging for forgiveness.

“Jyn, I did what I did because I was out of my mind. I knew it was wrong and I would regret it before I even did it, and I don’t know why I did it. I can’t take away the years of pain, but I still-”

Jyn is looking at him so hard, he can feel her eyes on his heart, beating in his chest, and he swallows, trying to find the right words.

“After I lost you, I lost myself. I fell into depression, because I had destroyed the only good thing I had. I’ve been… working on it. A lot. Medicine, therapy… I want to tell you everything, if you’ll let me. If this was just about closure, then say so, but if it’s not…”

He wants to go to her, can see her hands shaking where she’s standing, just a few steps away, and he pushes himself out of his chair, takes two steps towards her, but then stops. He won’t touch her, not without permission, but he will make it obvious that this distance between them, he doesn’t want it. Not anymore. She had been the one to bring them here. He would be the one to do the work, to put in the effort, to show her that her trusting him enough to talk to him, that he would prove he was worthy of that trust.

“I love you. I still love you. What you did for me, I think it means you might still love me too. The man you knew before, I was weak. I hid it well, but I was weak, and now, I’m so much stronger. I don’t deserve you, I never have, but I want to be a better man, a man worthy of you.”

Her lips are shaking, tears on her cheeks, and if she took just three steps forward, she could touch him, and he could… just to feel her hand on his cheek again, he might die of peace, of happiness, at knowing she forgave him.

“Did you go to therapy for me, or for yourself?” she asks, her voice a whisper.

He doesn’t… he doesn’t get the point of that question, his brow wrinkling a little, but he tries to answer. 

“Honestly? Kay dragged me here, and the neurologist agreed. I kept coming, though, because I knew… I’ve known for a long time that something wasn’t right. The thought that I could be… that I could be better… I didn’t want to go back to what I was before the accident.”

He’s not sure if it’s the right answer, but she nods, nods a few times, her lips pressing together as though she’s trying to not cry anymore.

“I think… I think we need a lot of help,” she says, and her voice sounds raw, vulnerable, open. He can agree with that statement, though. “We need help, and time. We have so much… I have so much to tell you, and you… I want to hear everything. No secrets between us.”

He thinks there might be hope, that there might be hope for them, and he nods, he wants to ask, wants to know…

“We’re not back together!” she snaps, and he wants to jerk away, but the way she said it, even the way she sniffs at him, a hand coming out, finger pointing his way… she’s trying to convince herself more than tell him. “You and I are not dating!”

He nods, because yeah, he’s… probably not in the best place for that yet, and he can only guess she’s not either.

“We’re not dating,” he says back in response, repeating her words.

“But I do love you,” she whispers, a sense of finality. There’s a tiny smile on her lips for a half second, and then she… she takes a step away, almost like she’s scared of touching him. “Okay?”

He nods, taking a step back from her, because he won’t push her any further, won’t encroach on her space. The fact she had a hand raised between them, he can tell that she needs him to back away, so he does so, one step and another, until he is standing beside his chair.

He won’t push his luck any further.

“Well then,” the therapist says, and they both turn to look at the woman, who they had forgot was even in the room. “I think that’s progress. Why don’t we discuss how to proceed?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in case you didn't notice, this fic has gone up one chapter. That's because I decided to split this chapter in half. It felt natural. The next chapter is 80% done, but will be finished in the morning, if not finished tonight. I'll have it posted once the betas give the thumbs up!
> 
> It's only uphill from here, ducklings.
> 
> And, like before, the last chapter is actually an Epilogue.
> 
> xoxo wine mom


	5. Chapter 5

The rest of their appointment is… nothing like he expected, primarily because they no longer talk about them, about what happened in the past, but instead, talk about the next few weeks.

In truth, Cassian had expected that this might be a one time thing, that this was it for him, that this was his one chance, and that he would probably blow it. Instead, the therapist asks them if this appointment time every week works for both of them. Jyn agrees, telling him that it’s just after one of her two weekly appointments, and Cassian -

He’d be a fool to disagree with a single thing that Jyn said.

And then it’s… harder.

“I think, at present, that the two of you should not communicate outside of this room. Clearly, there is a lot of baggage here to unload on both sides, and both of you, by your own admissions, tend to be reckless, without thinking through the consequences. Unless it is to reschedule an appointment, for now, you should only talk in this room.

Cassian hates that thought, not being able to text her, but he agrees to it.

Jyn agrees as well, and he doesn’t look at her, but he wants to.

“So every week, then,” Cassian says, looking over at Jyn.

“We’ll go for a month, I think. Your homework for this week is to think about what happened here, to think about you want for the future-”

Jyn opens her mouth to speak, but the therapist cuts her off.

“Think on it, please, Jyn. Next week… who would like to share?”

Cassian is willing to, he is, but Jyn… she raises her hand.

“Alright then. While you go to your own private appointments, think about what you want to say in our next session. I do think that there is hope for both of you, but I ask that you both work with me here. No outside communications.”

He can do it. He has survived years without talking to her. He can survive a week.

But, when the therapist stands and offers her hand to both of them, Cassian freezes, looking at Jyn. She shakes the woman’s hand first, and then walks out the door, not looking back. It hurts more than he realizes, because he’s scared she won’t be back the next week.

 

* * *

 

It’s probably the longest week of his life, and he gets there early for their next appointment. Jyn isn’t in the waiting room but they had checked him in, so he isn’t too worried. He knows one of her two weekly appointments is before their shared appointment, and if she wasn’t here, they would… they would mention that, right?

When he’s called back, he half runs down the hallway, and lets out a sigh of relief when he sees her standing there, his Jyn. She’s beside one of the chairs again, and her hand is at her throat, holding onto the end of a familiar necklace. She hasn’t worn it in years, something she had from her mother, but he doesn’t know the story behind it.

Not really.

Given how red her eyes are, he suspects he’s about to.

They sit, and then… her story begins.

“He shot her,” Jyn whispers, and her voice is shaky. He can see from the paper that it’s handwritten, basic bullet points, things she wants to make sure to mention, but the story, it’s like she’s reliving it in front of her. “And then they just… they took my father. They would have found me if I wasn’t hiding.”

Her fingers are wrapped around the stone, the chain long removed from her neck, the red line still visible on her skin from where she had been pulling on it so hard. “My Uncle Saw… he came and found me a few days later. I was too young to know how to get out. After my father finished his work, they disposed of him. It’s why… it’s why I’m so afraid of the dark. Why I’m so afraid when people bang on the door. It’s why…”

Why she had always insisted on security cameras, why she had multiple locks on the inside of the apartment door, why she carried pepper spray in her bag, why she could kick a guy’s ass from years of martial arts, why she always looked over her shoulder, why she refused to study science even though she clearly loved it.

Suddenly, so much of their lives make sense.

“I think it’s why I’m so afraid of being abandoned…”

His heart rips out and he nods. The hand between them, it’s just sitting on her arm rest, and he wants to touch it so bad, to reach out and give her strength, and he finally… he finally asks.

“Jyn… thank you, for telling me. I understand why you were scared to tell me before. We all knew that something happened to your parents, that Saw died of lung cancer, but… I had no idea it was all of that.” He freezes, his eyes locked on her hand, and he takes another breath.

“Can I… May I touch your hand? Hold it?”

Her hand withdraws quickly from where it’s sitting, going to her chest, and she looks up towards him, her brows wrinkled, eyes filled with tears. Immediately, he withdraws, pulls himself back into his chair.

He shouldn’t have asked, he was pushing it he-

Slowly, her hand uncurls and reaches out towards him, and he does the same, until finally… their fingers touch, brush, and his hand flips over, open for her. She takes it, and they’re just far apart that their fingers can’t interlock, but it’s enough, just to hold her hand.

“Thank you, Jyn, for confiding in me. I’m sorry that I… that I abandoned you. I wish... “

His therapist had been all over him in his last appointment about not talking about what he couldn’t change, the things he wished he could undo, and he took a breath, changing his words around.

“I see now why having your decision taken from you… it won’t happen again.”

He needs her to see, to understand, what happened before… it won’t. He won’t let it, he can’t. He knows the consequences, he knows there’s no second chance.

She nods back, and smiles a little at them, then cries again.

His thumb brushes over her knuckles, and if he goes to bed dreaming of her hand, of just holding her hand again, no one can judge him.

 

* * *

 

He has his worst therapy session since starting his current medicine the day before his next meeting with Jyn, and he knows it’s because he’s scared. He’s scared that what he has to say, what he has to tell her, she won’t forgive. They tell him it isn’t his fault, that he was just a child, but he had known back then…

He knew what he did was wrong.

He can’t change the past, but it’s haunting him now, lingering over him. This is why he broke up with her, this is why he destroyed their lives, because of the secrets he whispers to no one, because of the truths that eat at him whenever he allows himself to linger on them.

He knows that she shouldn’t forgive him for what he has done.

“If she ends this because of what happened, I don’t… I don’t know how I’ll survive,” he confesses, and his shoulders shake, trying to contain his tears.

“You will survive as you did before she contacted you again, but Cassian, if she loves you as you love her, then she will understand. If she confessed these things to you, how would you feel?

God, he would love her even more if she confessed it, would want to hold her tight, to promise her that she was strong to survive it. He has to hope she’ll respond the same way he would, because otherwise, he loses her again.

He really doesn’t know how he’ll be able to move on from this, not when he wears the ring on a chain around his neck, hoping she’ll one day want it back on her finger.

He had seen it, for the briefest of seconds, and it had fit perfectly, had been perfect, before he had ruined it all. If he could take it all back… he would have pretended his memories were still gone, if only for just a few moments longer with her.

His appointment ends with him feeling even worse than he did before, because he knows that the next time he walks in this room, there’s a very good chance that they’ll be discussing what his future looks like, without Jyn in it.

Sitting down in their appointment the next day, Cassian feels… panic. He can feel it building inside of him, but if he leaves now, his chances with Jyn are over. There’s no way of avoiding this. She had specified, no holding back, no keeping secrets. She had confessed the worst to him, had confessed how she lost her parents…

But that was different. Jyn had  _ lost _ . He had  _ taken _ .

He’s very quiet for a long time, and he can feel both of them looking at him, the weight of their eyes, and…

“Do you already know?” he asks the therapist. His eyes bore into the woman, and he had… he had asked his psychiatrist and personal therapist to tell her, because given the nature of what he had done, there was official documentation, things from his past, paperwork from Draven, all saying that his prior sins… well, it wasn’t something to report.

The therapist nodded, and Cassian nodded back, then finally looked at Jyn.

“I was a child soldier for a drug cartel for six years. I ran drugs, messages, and I killed. Jyn, I killed a lot of people. The blood on my hands, I-”

He forces those words out, and then he stops because he just… he can’t say say anymore.

The words are choking him, and he tries, he tries so hard to pull them back in.

“The things I did, the sins I committed… they are  _ unforgivable _ .”

He makes himself look at her, and her face is pure shock. He knows she never suspected, because who would suspect that anyone around them had done such things, but then she… she shifts out of the chair, comes to him, sinks down onto her knees in front of him.

He realizes, then, that his hands are shaking, and his face is covered in tears.

“Shh,” she whispers, and her hands grab his, picking them up in her own, and she presses her lips to his knuckles. He breaks, because she…

“You came here when you were twelve…” She knows that much about him, at least. “Cassian, six years old? You… please don’t tell me you blame yourself.”

He breaks down harder, because how can she forgive him for this? Her own mother had been killed by men like him, and granted, they perhaps had a choice, but no one ever starts out killing, not really. He had, but… from there it had been small things, until he graduated to assassin.

“I killed so many people, Jyn,” he sobs out, and she nods, pressing more kisses to his knuckles.

“Okay, Cassian, it’s okay,” she promises against his skin, and he nods, because if she says it’s okay, it has to be. He needs it to be.

“Can you just… can you read this?” he asks, and he takes the paper out of his pocket, hands it to her. 

She nods, and he expects her to go back to his seat, bust instead, she stays where she is, one hand holding his, her eyes reading over the paper.

It says… everything.

How his parents died.

How he was recruited.

How he committed his first sins, and his last.

How Draven had found him, turned him.

In the end, her eyes are filled with tears, and when she looks up at him, her hand pulls his hand to her cheek, his palm spreading over her skin, and she covers his hand with hers.

“Thank you, for telling me. I always knew something… I didn’t want to push you, because I didn’t want to be pushed, but I should have. We both needed this. Promise me, Cassian, that we’ll never keep secrets again.”

He nods, breaking down into new tears, and they stay like that for a while, his hand on her face, her hand cover his, the two of them sharing tears for the childhoods they had lost, for the pain they had endured, for the hope that their future would be better.

When Cassian leaves, he feels a thousand pounds lighter, because before he left, Jyn pulled him into a hug, held him tight, like she was scared she might lose him, but Cassian… something in Cassian knows, they’ll never be apart again.

 

* * *

 

Cassian is surprised when he walks into his next appointment, and Jyn is sitting on the couch. He honestly, genuinely freezes in the doorway, and she looks up at him, a look on her face that says she’s open and raw, and he suspects that this might have been something that she just discussed in her previous appointment, but he… he moves forward as soon as his legs work again, and sits down beside her.

They don’t touch, not while the therapist closes the door, nor while she shuffles her things and comes to sit down, but before anyone has even spoken…

Cassian reaches out his hand towards Jyn, laying it flat on the couch, and she, without looking at him, reaches her hand out, their ring and pinky fingers tangling together.

Something inside of Cassian finally mends itself, and when they start to talk about their early lives together, college and the good years and the things that they had loved about one another back when this was new, he feels more and more of himself being whole, like he might deserve some sort of happiness with her.

“I think that the two of you should meet up outside of this office,” the therapist says at the end of their session, and Cassian jerks his hand away from Jyn’s, the first time they haven’t been touching the entire time. His eyes are wide, and he… he looks at Jyn, and sees a smile there, hope in her eyes. He doesn’t know if she suggested it to the therapist, or if the therapist had come up with this on her own, but it’s a yes for him.

“Like, a date?” he asks, and he looks harder at Jyn, her eyes looking to his.

A date. A date would mean they’re dating. A date would mean that he might be allowed to see more of her, to kiss her, to touch her, to wipe away her tears…

“A group date. You’ve spent this entire time talking about your friends, about how close you all were, and you said that your friend Kay is still dating one of Leia’s friends. Leia being best friends with Jyn… it makes sense that all of you would go out together, would it not?”

Cassian nods, licking his lips, processing it. They haven’t all been together since Han and Leia’s engagement party, when everything had gone to shit.

They won’t understand Jyn forgiving Cassian, would they… he owed all of them an explanation, but he wasn’t willing to share the truth with all of them.

“What if they’re… against the two of us being together?” he says, his voice feeling weak.

He’s not entirely sure Leia will ever forgive him for what he did to Jyn, nor Bodhi.

“Tell them the truth - that the pair of you were not fully honest with one another in the past, but that you’re working on it now. The support of your friends will be important to your healing process, so the more honest you are with them, the better. Given your pasts, you may not want to share everything, which is understandable. Regardless, it is the next step.”

A group date… he could do that.

“Everyone… still gets together most Fridays,” Jyn breathes out, and she looks up at him slowly. “Not every week, of course, given that Kes and Shara have Poe and Leia is pregnant, but…”

He nods, because that sounds like a good idea.

“I haven’t gone in a while, but I have an open invite,” she finally says, and she licks her lips. “I don’t… I don’t want to drink.”

“Why not ask them if we can do something more kid friendly, since some of us won’t drink?” he offers, and she smiles at that.

“Yeah… yeah, that would work. I’ll… text you details?”

They look to the therapist, who gives a nod. “Perhaps you should begin texting as well, but let’s try and keep any big revelations to this room, where they can be handled in a private safe space?”

Cassian nods, and when he looks at Jyn, her smile is so bright, it looks to be bursting off her face.

When they say good bye, he wants to linger, to touch her again, but refrains.

A date. They’re going on a date.

 

* * *

 

 

It’s a date, but it’s not a date.

It’s kind of a date. It’s sort of a date.

It’s all of their friends getting together for the first time in a long time, and they’re actually hanging out, and it’s so weird, but it’s  _ happening _ .

The weird part is they’re all going ice skating.

When Cassian had suggested  _ not _ going drinking, he wasn’t sure what that meant, but given that it’s the middle of winter, their options are limited.

It had been Leia’s idea, though, which was surprising, given that at nearly thirty weeks pregnant, she couldn’t join in, but everyone else had. Little Poe Dameron had whipped all of them onto the ice, followed quickly by his dad, and Jyn and Cassian…

They had helped one another into their skates and taken to the ice, hand in hand, smiling at one another.

He hadn’t done this in years, not since college, not since Jyn, when she had helped him learn to skate, and he remembers it, remembers making a fool of himself, remembers her making him chase her to steal a kiss, remembers -

So many memories, and he uses them to push back the false memories, the ones of him begging her to marry him. The ring on a chain around his neck burns on his skin, tucked underneath layers of coat and scarf and shirt, and he tries… he fills everything with new memories.

When she pulls away from him to chase after Poe, it begins.

One at a time, their friends, or her friends really, approach. He gets everything from an eyeful from CeeCee, who had been with Kay throughout all of the years he was separated from Jyn, to a shove from Han, who then slings an arm around him, and finally…

Finally, Leia calls him off the ice, asks him for a hand gathering hot chocolate for everyone.

No one says no to Leia Organa-Solo, so he does as told, following the only woman he fears anywhere near as much as he fears Jyn.

It’s actually real, they do get hot chocolate, two trays of them, but Leia stops on the way back, looking at him long and hard. “Well?”

He doesn’t know what she wants from him. She doesn’t get the whole truth. He likes Leia, respects her, is appreciative of what she did for Jyn… but he can’t.

“I’m in therapy,” he finally says. “Therapy I should have started years ago. I broke up with her because I was trying to save her, but the truth is… we need one another. She knows everything, and she chose to forgive me, and-”

“Good.”

He blinks, because that can’t… that can’t be all.

“You’re as much of a dumbass as Han is some days. Just don’t do it again, otherwise, you’re going to have multiple pregnant women coming after you.”

His eyes glance at the ice, at Kay and Cee, and his face goes blank for a moment at the thought, and then-

“Shit. I get pregnant and can’t keep a secret. Kes doesn’t even know, so don’t tell him.”

Cassian blinks and nods, because okay then, Kes and Shara are expecting another, and he remembers Shara being pregnant at Han and Leia’s engagement party, and-

“Understood,” he says with a swallow, and Leia gives her most threatening smile.

“Good. Let’s get back with these.”

When he hands Jyn her hot chocolate, she looks pleased, and he can feel Leia’s eyes on him.

“All good?” she asks, and he nods, swallowing again. 

“Yeah, I think… I think I might be forgiven?”

It’s a question, but he also hasn’t talked to Bodhi yet, and… that’s a little terrifying.

“The only opinion that matters at the end of the day is ours,” Jyn says to him, and when he looks down at her, he can see the stars in her eyes, the hope, the life, something he had missed. He takes in a breath, almost like he can breathe in her strength, and gives a nod.

“But it is nice to have our friends’ approval,” he offers.

She smiles, and reaches up to touch his cheek. “Yeah, but it wouldn’t change how I feel.”

Her fingers run into his hair, brushing back the loose front pieces from his eyes, and he looks down at her, just staring at her face. She’s so beautiful, her cheeks red from exertion, her breath visible between them from the chill in the air, and he loves how the tip of her nose is a little red.

Her eyes, they’re so alive, so bright, and he hates himself for ever making her cry, is glad that he’s strong enough now, to try and mend this. He already knows he would never choose to hurt her again, but in that moment, Cassian decides that he’s going to spend the rest of his life deserving her, showing her how much he loves her, begging for her forgiveness. She is his future, and he’s never letting her go.

He realizes once he’s at home and in bed, that that was the moment, that he should have kissed her, that he should have… 

It doesn’t matter, though. He would rather be told to speed up than to slow down. She had touched him, had reached for him, had waited for him. She trusted him enough to reach out to him, trusted herself enough to agree to a date.

Their next appointment is too far away, but he has hope for the next time he sees her.

 

* * *

 

When Cassian walks into their next appointment, he has a smile on his face, and he’s pleased to see that Jyn does as well. They haven’t texted much in the past week, just him saying he had a nice time, and her agreeing, and then him saying he would see her at therapy, and her saying the same.

Very simple, very short, but when he sees her sitting on the couch…

He loves her. He loves her so fucking much, and for the first time in a long time, his first thought isn’t that he doesn’t deserve her, isn’t that he can’t believe how much he fucked up his life.

Instead, Cassian is thinking how badly he wants to marry her, to make her his wife, to promise to pledge the rest of his life to her.

They’re not ready yet. They’re barely even dating. He knows that, she knows that. It’s a simple fact. It doesn’t change how he feels, though. He will never be one hundred percent the man he wishes he could be, but he will spend the rest of his life loving her.

He thinks that’s enough. That might just be enough.

They talk about their date, and it’s the first appointment where no one cries. Somewhere during the meeting, Jyn shifts so close to him that they can’t reasonably hold hands, and his arm goes around her shoulders, holding her tight. It feels so good, so freeing, to just  _ hold her _ , and he has to resist the urge to hold her tighter.

“I think it’s time to discuss where to go from here,” the woman says in front of them, and Cassian… he hasn’t been able to take his eyes off of Jyn for some time, too caught up in the fact that he’s holding her so close.

“What do you mean?” Jyn asks, and he finally looks away, licking his lips, trying to figure out what the next steps even are.

“Well, what were your goals in couples counseling? The normal goals are to build a stronger, healthier relationship, which I think you are both achieving.”

Jyn nods, and looks up at Cassian, who is smiling tightly down at her. “I guess… I just wanted a safe place for us to talk about the past, and… I want us to stay healthy.”

Cassian nods, and takes in a breath before answering for himself. “I don’t want to stop coming here. I think we need this. I know that just because we feel better now, it doesn’t mean we won’t have struggles in the future. Maybe just… not as often?”

He’s not even really sure what they are right now, but they’re something, and there’s no secrets, and it feels  _ good _ .

“I agree,” the therapist says, and Cassian nods, looking back down at Jyn. “But I think you also need to discuss… stipulations, if you will, for resuming your relationship.”

Cassian already has one - for himself.

“Jyn, I’m going to need help for the rest of my life. I won’t just… grow out of it. The medicine is a requirement. If I ever stop coming, if I ever decide that I’m all fixed and don’t want to talk to anyone anymore, you need to-”

“-drag you back here, kicking and screaming,” she says.

It’s a better answer than he had, but he likes that, and nods.

“The same for me, I think. Maybe not as much as you, but I was struggling before we even met. I need… I need the medicine. I need somewhere to talk about my anxieties, and that might not always be with you.”

He understands, feels the same, and he runs his free hand into her hair, brushing back a piece that had fallen from her bun.

“So, we keep each other in therapy, keep coming to therapy together. We stay healthy, together.”

Jyn smiles at that, and fuck, he wants to pull out the ring, wants to slide it onto her finger…

But he doesn’t, manages to keep some bit of control on himself.

“Let’s go to every other week, then,” the therapist says, and Cassian swallows, then nods in agreement. “And, if in two months, you’re both feeling better about this, we’ll go to once a month? You both have my number, though, so please, if you feel like you have entered a struggle-”

“We’ll call,” Jyn says, and when Cassian looks down at her, he can’t- he can’t look away.

“So what now?” the therapist asks, and Cassian can hear her shutting her book. It looks like her instructions, her ideas, they’re gone. Now it’s up to him.

Jyn had invited him to couples therapy, had begun to mend the gap between them. It was time for Cassian to cross over it, to meet her in the middle.

“Jyn,” he says softly, and she looks up at him, her eyes glowing. “Would you… will you go on a date with me? Something small, for our first date alone… coffee?”

The smile he gets is so freeing, he forgets, for a moment, all the pain they’ve endured.

He loves her so much. He’s going to marry her one day.

“Yes.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm basically going to ramble?
> 
> First of all, huge shout out to gloriouswhisperstyphoon and tincantelephone ( aka cats-and-metersticks ) for being my betas, for talking this out with me, and for in general keeping my head on. I know I originally said that this would be the last chapter and the next would be the epilogue, but honestly, everything has just been shifted around, and who knows anything - there's one more chapter, it's sort of an epilogue but also not really, but whatever, there's one more, and they'll make sure I get it done.
> 
> Second of all, I really appreciate the support that the last chapter had with the comments, and I'm so touched at how many of you felt touched by this story. I suffer from my own issues, which I discussed in the comments as well, and y'all, communication, take the meds, see the doctors. Take care of yourselves! And please, y'all, you deserve happiness! Y'all deserve to not feel the weight of mental illness! I believe in you and so do so many others! Take the first step.
> 
> Third and finally, if you're looking for me to upload more stuff, y'all, idk where my head is lately. I have a thousand things that I'm cooking but nothing is close to being done. We might enter a small dry spell, but I'm going to try and finish some shorter stuff for a bit. My next big project, I keep tossing and turning on which one I'm going with, so we'll get short stuff OUT OF THE WAY.


	6. Chapter 6

Jyn is trying to not be nervous as she tugs her jacket tighter around herself, but it’s inevitable. She’s nervous, absurdly so, even more than the first time she went on an actual date with Cassian. Back then, Jyn had been so convinced, even before their first date, that she loved him, that she would always love him. She had been a child to think that, thinking that love would be enough, naive to think that it could conquer all. Now, she knew that love wasn’t anywhere near enough, that they had to want it, had to want to work for it… and they did. They wanted it to work now, and her heart raced in her chest, knowing that she truly will love him for the rest of her life.

He had proven that to her, every week, every session. They had both made mistakes, and yes, he had made the ultimate one in pushing her away, but they had to push past it. They worked through their issue, both apart and together, and she felt stronger, better, whole. Jyn had felt like she was empty for so long, had felt like she was only barely existing, but now…

Now, as she grabs the handle to the door, tugging it open, she knows what it feels like to live again. She knows what it feels like to have hope, to be happy, to accept that sometimes, she doesn’t have control, and that’s okay. For the first time in her life, she has come to terms with the losses she has suffered, acknowledges her weaknesses, and the things that she has survived, and she knows…

She knows that she loves Cassian. She loves Cassian with every part of her being, even the broken parts that he’s slowly starting to mend, and she knows that he loves her as well. He hasn’t said it, not really, but she knows how he feels, knows the feelings in his heart when he looks at her, holds her hand, pulls her close.

She thinks he might kiss her, hopes he might, during, after, at some point with this date. She put layer upon layer of chapstick on all day, in hopes that her lips would be soft rather than chapped from the early Spring chill, and she thinks about when they went skating, how he almost kissed her, about their appointment two days earlier, how she had looked at his lips…

If he doesn’t kiss her, she’ll kiss him, even if it’s just on the cheek. She wants to know the taste of him again, and things are different now, and she wants to be brave enough… She doesn’t want to think about their last kiss as one she took when it wasn’t allowed to her, when he didn’t have his memories. She doesn’t even remember the last kiss where he was himself, a quick press of lips together in the morning before work…

She wants a real kiss, a fresh kiss, one that has hope and promise, and is  _ them _ .

The shop is warm as she steps inside, and she is only just tugging off her gloves and shoving them into her jacket pocket when she sees Cassian, sitting in a booth in the back, facing towards her, with no way for her to sneak up. Another thing to learn from therapy - he always faced the door, faced the entryways… she had never understood until their talks, how even after all these years, he was always aware.

She has a half second before their eyes lock, and she looks away quickly, sees the two cups in front of him - one for her. Jyn forces herself to take a deep breath, then looks back into his eyes, and he looks… unreadable to anyone else, but there’s the slightest wrinkle around his eyes, a hint that he is smiling, that he’s happy to see her.

To anyone else, her face is passive, entirely blank, but Jyn knows that he can read her, read her eyes, can read so clearly that she’s smiling back at him.

It takes a few seconds to reach him, to work her way around the line, to slip around the tables, to get back to him, and he has half risen out of the booth by the time she gets to him. It's awkward, she isn't sure how to greet him - they had lived together before they dated, always arrived together, rarely just met up at a location. His hand reaches out towards her, and she takes it, squeezes it, let's him pull her in.

His hand releases her as it goes around her lower back, and in half a breath, he's pulling her into him, into a hug as her arm goes around him in response, and it's only a half hug, both of them not fully pressing in, but it feels warm, feels whole, and it aches a little to let go, to release him, and slide into the booth across from where he had been sitting.

“Hey,” he says, and there’s more of a smile on his lips as he sits down, nudging the cup towards her. It’s light in color, and she can tell immediately that it matches her order from two years earlier… “Wait, what’s wrong?”

She looks up at him, unaware that her face had given it away, and she shakes her head, accepting the cup from him, a soft smile on her lips. “I just… I forgot how much cream I used to take.”

His brow is wrinkled, and then he looks upset, but she reaches out quickly, taking his hand again from where he has reached forward to take back the cup, her fingers curling around his wrist. “No, it’s okay. I’m not going to say no to coffee.”

“But it’s wrong,” he says feebly, and she can see the frustration in his eyes, can see how upset he is, and she…

“It’s just different. You’ve changed too, Cassian… but changing doesn’t mean anything bad. It just means we have new things to learn about each other.”

This feels so much deeper than a conversation about coffee, and Cassian’s entire posture softens, relaxes, and he gives a nod, withdrawing his hand slightly and turning his palm up, so that her hand can settle into his. She picks up the cup, raising it to her lips, and she takes a sip - it’s good, it’s delicious, rich and creamy, and yes, she takes her coffee black now, and with sugar, but it’s nice to have something familiar, something from a memory…

“I wonder what else has changed,” Cassian says, and he looks deep in thought, not necessarily worried, but certainly caught in memories. “I wonder… if too much has changed.”

Her fingers press into his palm, and she doesn’t let go, just looking at him as she settles her cup onto the table, and moves her free hand to join the other, cradling his fingers with hers. “No. Never. My coffee order has changed. I like my food a little spicier. I sometimes sleep in rather than going to the gym. I may have gone up a dress size…” 

She smiles a little as she gets to that, as she tells him what has not changed. “But the important things? The things that define me? The things that define you… we’re still the same people, Cassian. We’re just…”

Her words trail off as he looks up at her, eyes locking, and he finishes her words… he was always able to do that. “We’re a little older.”

“Like a good wine,” she teases, and he ducks down, nodding a little as he smiles.

“Or a good cheese.”

She laughs a little at that statement, and just like that, they’re smiling, relaxing, and everything feels right with the world…

* * *

They’ve both switched to tea, without Jyn even asking, and she knows that her medicine doesn’t do too well with a lot of caffeine, which makes her suspect that his medicine is the same. When he hands her a cup of Earl Grey, she lets out a happy hum, and he has two pastries, a lemon tart and a blueberry scone, both of which she has always enjoyed. They pick at both, together, and something about this feels so familiar, but also so new, to the point that Jyn almost feels giddy with excitement.

Everything about this is going well, until Cassian knocks his phone off the table and when he straightens back up, something has fallen out of his shirt, a chain, a chain with a ring on it.

Jyn knew that he was wearing it - he had mentioned it, had talked about it, but seeing it… seeing it there, seeing the ring that she had worn, that was meant for her, right there...

Her eyes are on the ring, looking at it, truly, for the first time. When Kay had brought it to her, all those months before, it had made her ill to even glance at it, to wonder why it was, that Cassian had loved her enough to purchase it, but didn’t believe in them enough to put it on her finger. It’s on a chain now, and she has no right to put it onto her finger, she has no right to put it back into place, but her hand feels empty, her finger feels empty.

There’s the ghost of a memory, just barely there, of it being on her finger, when she had laid in bed beside him, pretending that things were different. She had done it for his sake, for his mental well-being, but a part of her also knew, now, that she had never truly accepted their breakup, and it had been her way to deal with it, even two years later.

Now… now she looks at it, and all she sees is the same thing she sees when she looks into Cassian’s eyes. She sees strength, she sees stability, she sees  _ home _ . They have so far left to go, but just looking at it now…

“It’s a beautiful ring,” she whispers, and she offers it back to him, across the table. There are tears in her eyes, and she’s trying, she’s trying to not cry, but now that she has seen ivt, and with his permission…

She wants that ring. She wants that future, with him. She wants to spend the rest of her life with him, and she’s scared they’ll never get there, that this will be the last time she touches it, that he’ll never really put it on her finger, never ask her to be his wife.

“Please don’t cry,” he says, and she hears him moving across the table from her, and looks up to see him getting out of his booth, coming around to sit beside her. His hand covers hers, covers the ring, and the other runs under her chin, tilting her face to look up at him. “Please don’t cry because of me. I’ve made you cry enough.”

She nods, sniffing back the tears, but it’s too late. She wants this ring, she wants it, she wants him, she wants the rest of her life with him. She wants him to kiss her, to hold her, she wants to wake up beside him every day, and giving it back to him…

“I’m sorry, I just…”

She can’t even tell him why she’s crying, because she knows, she  _ knows _ , that they are not ready. This is their first date, technically, and they both have months of therapy to go through until either could consider themselves really better, and things are still so up in the air, but she  _ wants _ , she  _ needs _ , to be with him.

“Hey, talk to me,” he asks, and he’s ducking down to her level, to look into her eyes. She wants to tell him, she wants to explain, but they’re  _ not ready _ . The two of them, they’re not strong enough to really even take care of themselves, and a marriage, it means supporting the other up when they’re not strong enough to carry themselves. She’s still crawling, knows that Cassian is the same, but she wants it, wants the promise that he’ll carry her - it’s not fair to either of them, when they’re just not ready.

“You… you bought this for me,” she whispers, and he nods, his hand sliding from her chin to cradle the side of her face. He’s making her look up at him now, and he’s so close, she can see the flecks of gold in his eyes, can see the wrinkles around his eyes, can see each hair on his face, where he hasn’t shaved in a few days, and she wants, and needs, and desires him.

“I did,” he says, and his eyes are searching her face, like he wants to find something that he’s scared to see. “I bought it for you.”

She nods, and she forces herself to press it into his hand, forces her hand away from his, to wrap her hand around his, to wrap his hand around the ring, and she nods another time, sniffing as she does so.

“I’m going to put it on your finger,” he whispers, and she knows if they were even a few inches further apart from one another, she wouldn’t hear him. “One day… I’m going to put this ring on your finger, and we’ll get married and spend the rest of our lives together. Okay?”

She nods, and when his hand relaxes on her cheek, her gaze falls down, eyes closing, tears running down her cheeks. She believes him when he says it. She just doesn’t want to wait, even though she has to. She waited two years to see him again, waited six months for answers after she left him, and now…

She has waited. She has done her waiting. She knows she has to just wait a little longer, but she doesn’t want to.

His lips press to her forehead in a kiss, and a sob escapes her as his arms go around her. She’s glad that they’re in the corner booth, and she knows his back is to everyone else, so he can’t see anyone approaching, is protecting her from everyone else’s gaze, and it means so much to her, the obvious progress.

His arms tighten around her when she tries to pull away, and his lips press to her temple, to her hair as she shifts closer to him.

He sits there holding her for so long that their tea grows cold, and when they finally pull away…

He doesn’t kiss her lips, but she can feel the memory of his lips on her skin, and it’s enough. It’s enough to sustain her, and when she goes to leave, he pulls her in for another hug, and whispers that he’ll see her soon.

She gets a text before she’s even home, asking her for coffee again the next week, the same date and time as their normal couples therapy session, the one they’re no longer having since they’re apparently getting better…

She says yes, smiling as she does so, but she cries in her shower that night, her hand feeling empty, and her heart feeling broken.

 

* * *

 

She’s obsessing over that ring. Jyn knows it. She doesn’t need a therapy session to have it explained to her. It’s plain as day what is happening - she’s obsessing, her fear of loneliness, of loss, of abandonment, it’s all closing in. That ring, it signifies a future, and yes, Cassian could disappear from her life again, even if she had the ring, but the ring is a sign of their love, a sign of commitment, and if she has that ring…

That ring means he won’t abandon her, and it’s not on her finger. She knows that they aren’t ready yet, that they’re still too broken, she knows that it might take years, but he’s wearing it, wearing it around his neck as a reminder, a reminder of what he had lost, of what he could lose again…

It was  _ made _ for her. He had bought it  _ for _ her. It’s supposed to be on  _ her _ finger, and instead, he’s just wearing it, like her heart isn’t fucking shattering, because she wants it. She wants it, wants what it means, wants what it promises.

It’s just a thing, a symbol, something she never would have cared about before, but now, she wants him to whisper that he loves her, wants him to promise to never leave her again, wants him to slip it onto her finger, wants him to press kisses to her face, to her hand, to her lips, telling her that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, wants to bind himself to her.

She wants that ring, and everything it promises, and she can’t have it.

She makes an emergency appointment for first thing Monday morning, and spends the whole time crying, her fear of abandonment overtaking her. She still manages to take her pills, avoids the liquor store, and when Cassian texts her to ask how her day went, she manages a somewhat healthy reply, something that feels almost fake when she sends it.

She still goes to her Tuesday appointment as well, and it’s clear that she has issues with the ring…

A part of her wants to ask for it, wants to ask him to give it to her, but they’re not ready. Her hands still shake when she picks up the medicine bottle, that stupid voice in the back of her brain telling her she’s better and doesn’t need it when she does, and she knows that she has to overcome this, and a hundred other things. Instead, she agrees with her therapist, that she will ask him to not wear it around her, and at their next couple’s session, they’ll take about her fear of abandonment again.

The problem is, she has a date with him in two days, and then has to wait another week until couple’s therapy. She had thought they were ready, but…

When she climbs into bed, the night before their date, she can’t get comfortable. Two and a half years, she has slept alone, save for the month with him, when he had lost his mind… two and a half years, and now, her bed feels cold, feels empty. She considers going to him, considers just going to his place, climbing into his bed, letting him hold her tight. He would do it, if she asked.

In the end, she wishes she didn’t feel so alone.

 

* * *

 

Her therapy appointment had been scheduled thirty minutes earlier, so that she could make it in time for her date with Cassian, at the time of their normal couples’ therapy. Every single second of her drive back across town, she remembers what they talked about, remembers the plan. The ring means something different to her than it does to Cassian, and asking him to not wear it around her… well, if he respects her boundaries, he will understand.

For Cassian, it’s a reminder that he has lost so much, that he had to keep working towards something. For Jyn, it was a reminder that he had pushed her away before, and that they weren’t ready for him to commit himself to her fully. She has only spent the past five days crying about it.

She has to hope that he’ll understand. He will, probably, but he’ll also be hurt, and it’s just…

She feels absurd, because it’s just a ring, but that ring symbolizes a commitment to each other, that they plan to spend their lives together, and she wants that. She wants it so badly that everything hurts, and it isn’t healthy, the way she’s obsessing over it, at all.

Pulling into a parking spot, she sees Cassian standing outside of the shop, and he’s wearing a thicker jacket than last time. It’s still cold out, but not so cold that he should be so bundled up, but on a whim, she grabs her scarf and pulls on her coat, then crossing the street to join him, eyebrow raised.

“Hey,” she says, and she looks him over, almost nervous.

“Hey,” he says, and he reaches for her, almost like on instinct, his arm going around her shoulder, pulling her close. “Can we grab our coffee and take a walk?”

She nods, smiling a little, because they used to do that, used to just walk around the building of the library to talk things out, walk around their neighborhood to argue out papers, walk down to the coffee shop to chat about work - they’re good at walking and talking, and it feels like them…

It also means they can talk without fear of being overheard, given how private they are, and she is glad she grabbed her thicker coat.

They grab coffee quickly, Cassian paying before she can even pull out her phone to pay, and he seems to have a destination in mind when they step out of the shop and he grabs her hand, pulling her away from the rest of downtown and towards the river.

Neither of them talk for a few minutes, crossing a few blocks, moving to the sidewalk on the other side of main street, and Jyn sees their destination, a park with a riverwalk. He pulls her through the open gate, and then his hold relaxes, as though they’ve reached where he wants to go… and from here, they can just wander.

“You’ve been crying,” he says before she can even think of something to say, and she gives a nod, her fingers tightening on his slightly. “And I know you just came from your appointment.”

She’s quiet for a long moment, then takes in a deep breath before letting it out slowly, counting a few seconds before she finds a response.

“I have to tell you something, well more ask you to do something for me, and I don’t want to upset you with my request.”

He stops where he is immediately, turning to look at her, and she can see how tense he is around his eyes, looking down at her, almost… angry. No, not anger. It’s concern. He’s worried about her.

“Never be afraid to ask me for anything,” he says, and his hand pulls away from hers to curl around her jaw, forcing her to look up at him, to not glance away. “I know, in the past, that we kept things to ourselves, but not anymore. If there’s something you want or need, you have to tell me. I can’t…  _ we _ can’t work through things unless we’re open about them.”

She nods, swallowing, because she likes the sound of that, the promise in it, the way he says  _ we _ , but she’s still nervous, doesn’t want to upset him. She takes in a deep breath, though, and she knows… she knows that if she explains this right, he’ll understand, that he’ll… he’ll respect it. After everything they’ve been through, it shouldn’t even be a question. He’ll respect her mental health.

“I need you to not wear the ring around me,” she says, and it comes out in one quick breath, her lips pressing together as she finishes, then opens her mouth to explain. It closes again, then opens, and she can’t find the words.

He’s still looking at her, though, and there’s clear concern on his face, but he lets her finish her thoughts, find the right words.

“I’ve been… Ever since last week, I can’t stop thinking about it, about what it means, what it means to you, and what it means to me. That ring, it’s supposed to mean a promise, and I’m scared, Cassian. I’m so scared that you’ll never make that promise to me, and I-”

He cuts her off with a kiss, and it surprises her, surprises her how he kisses her, because this is…

She has dreamed of this kiss, of him kissing her again, of something soft and gentle, or maybe something on fire as they can’t resist one another any longer, but this is a kiss that is a promise, one that tells her that he can’t stand the thought of being away from her, and she almost drops her coffee, how quickly her arm goes around his body, and he clings to her, his lips pressing harder to hers, all at once, until he finally pulls back, gasping for air.

“Please stop talking,” he says, and he gulps hard, looking down, searching her face. She nods a little, lips opening to speak, and he shakes his head. “Jyn, I swear to God, I will let you say everything you want to say, but will you just… will you come with me?”

She nods, and there’s tears in her eyes, but she trusts him. She doesn’t know what it means, the kiss that tasted like a promise, the way he swears that she can tell him everything on her mind, how he holds her hand - 

Before, on their walk here, he had been simply guiding her, and once they arrived, it was a casual walk with no destination, but now, he’s half tugging her along, his pace far more hurried as they make their way towards something. 

There are no signs, but he seems to have a destination, which tells her that either he’s just trying to find something at random, or he has already planned this out. He had said to stop talking, but surely he meant the conversation at hand…

“Have you been here before?” she asks, and he looks back at her for a second, giving a slight nod before he looks forward again.

“Came here after my appointments… I have to show you something.”

She doesn’t say anything more, doesn’t ask until she can see up ahead an opening in the trees and bushes, a small clearing with a wall and a bench. They reach it, and he takes her to the bench, pointing towards it.

“Please sit,” he says, and she does as told, watching as he sets his cup down on one end of the bench, then walks away from her, struggling to pull something out of his pocket - a piece of paper. 

Her tongue flicks over her lips, and she watches him for a second as he seems to be repeating something under his breath, then looks at her. He pauses for a moment, then paces away a few steps, reading back at the paper, clearly working on something.

“Cassian?” she finally asks, and he looks up from the paper, looks up at her, stress lines on his forehead.

“I have to say something,” he grits out, and she nods, because she gets that much, but he’s clearly upset about it.

“Cassian, if this is about the ring…”

“It is,” he says, and he reaches down, under his scarf, pulling it out. The chain goes up and over his head, and his runs a hand into his hair as he shifts the chain to the hand with the paper, looking at her as he does it.

“Cassian, just… I just-”

“Marry me.”

It comes out in two short words, that simple, and she freezes, half rising from the bench. Her mouth is open, eyes wide, and - this is not what she wanted. When she had planned this, it wasn’t what she wanted, for him to ask her, because she doesn’t want to force it. Doesn’t want to force any of it.

“What?”

He strides forward towards her, paper in hand, and he looks ready to hand it to her, then instead, crumbles it up and shoves it into one pocket, shifting things around so that he’s just holding the ring out, still on the chain.

“Marry me, Jyn Erso. I was a fucking idiot, and I wasted so many years of our lives. I know, I know that things are not perfect, that we’re still figuring out our shit, but ever since I woke up and saw that ring on your finger, it killed something in me, seeing you take it off. I still… God, Jyn, I know what I did, but I can see it so clearly, going onto one knee, asking you to marry me, and you saying no…”

She shakes her head, because she would never say no, but she thinks she might have to now, thinks she might have to, because this is forcing him to act, and she doesn’t want this-

“Cassian, you don’t have to propose just because I have issues.”

“I’m not,” he says, and he cuts the final steps between them, grabbing her hand. “You asked to see this ring last week, and all I wanted to do was put it on your finger, ask you if you would marry me that day, right then. I was sitting there looking at the clock, trying to figure out if we had enough time to go get a marriage license before the courthouse closed. I’d do it right now if you asked. I’m not asking you to marry me because of the ring, because you’re upset about it. I’m asking you to marry me because I love you, because I can’t spend another night without you beside me, because my life has been empty without you.”

There’s tears on his face, and she realizes everything he is saying is true, how he had glanced at the clock a few times, remembers how he had nearly not taken the ring back… he’s telling the truth, and she… she has to tell him no, because they’re not ready.

“We’re not ready to get married,” she sobs out, and it hurts her heart to say it, to say the words, because they’re true, and she doesn’t want to be the one to say it, but she has to. “I just switched my meds a few weeks ago, and I’m still struggling to sleep at night with the light off, and I still keep twenty locks on my door, and-”

“But we will be,” he says, and with a shaky hand, he pulls away and unhooks the chain, so that the ring falls into his palm. He holds it up between them, offering it to her. She doesn’t reach for it, the tears in her eyes running down her face. “Jyn, look at me. I spent two and a half years in hell, thinking I had lost you. I don’t care how long it takes, I’m going to marry you. One day, we’re going to be better, or we’re going to learn how to manage it. I know… I know you feel broken like I do, but with time… things are getting better, right?”

She knows that things are better, and her lips press together as she nods a little, and then looks down at the ring. It was shinier than last week, which means it was probably cleaned, which means he had thought about this, planned for this, which means…

“We’re not ready to get engaged,” she says, but she reaches for the ring anyways, grabbing it from him, her hand covering his. “We’re not ready to get engaged, because I don’t want to have a long engagement… but I am ready to make a promise with you, if you are.”

He nods, and her lips press together for a moment before she looks down at their hands. She pulls back, the ring falling into her palm, and she picks it up, slides it just slightly onto her right hand, and then offers it towards him. 

“We put it on my right hand, and it’s a promise that we’re going to keep working to get better, together, and when we’re both ready, when we’re strong enough to walk to walk together, strong enough that we won’t fall apart in the face of a problem, we move it to my left hand, okay?”

He nods, and he pushes it all the way onto her finger, and it fits, fits perfectly, which it shouldn’t because it was made for her left hand, a half size smaller, but in the cold, her fingers seem to have shrunk slightly, almost like it was meant to be, that they weren’t ready yet. His lips press to the top of her hand, and then flips over to her palm, and she watches him, the tears still fresh on her cheeks.

“I love you,” he says, and his hand moves to her face, to cup her cheek as he looks at her. “I love you, Jyn Erso, and I promise that I’m never going to stop trying to get better, to fix me, to fix my shit and take my meds and talk out my feelings. I promise that one day, you’re going to marry me, and be my wife.”

She smiles at all of those words, and moves her hand, the one wearing his ring, to cup the side of his neck, fingers sliding just into his scarf. “I love you, and I promise that I’ll be beside you every step of the way, that I’ll talk through my issues and work on them all. I promise that one day, I’m going to marry you, and you’ll be my husband.”

He nods, and when he pulls her in for another kiss, it tastes like a promise they’ll both keep, and hope that they’ll have forever together.

 

* * *

* * *

* * *

 

Cassian can’t believe that this is the last weekend they’ll spend on this couch.

Six months has changed a lot, particularly when Jyn ended her lease two months earlier and more or less moved in with him. Most of her furniture had gone into a storage unit and the more essential things into boxes, all waiting until his lease ended. They both agreed that this place was filled with old memories, bad memories, but Bodhi had been moving in with Luke, so it seemed right for her to just move in…

But now, with his lease ending, they were moving out, moving in together, officially, for real this time. Last time around, moving into this place, it had simply happened out of convenience, but this time… this time, they’re moving into a house that they’ll own, the two of them.

A house that has two extra bedrooms, a house that’s near his new job where he can work the hours he wants, a house that is near Leia and Han’s, a house that’s in a good school district, a house with a yard and a fence, a house that says…

A house that says a home. They’re moving out of their apartments, out of the bad memories, and into new ones.

His thumb runs over her hand, where it’s resting on his leg, and it catches on the ring, the one that has been on her right hand for far too long. He thinks about moving it, thinks about moving it every day, but Jyn has made no mention of it, and it was agreed, in their now once a month couples therapy sessions, that Jyn would be the one to move it. Her own therapy is now only every other week, a sign of how far she’s come.

It’s Cassian that is still struggling, struggling with the memories, but his medicine is finally at the right dosage, and while he still has moments of doubts, the memory of Jyn, seeing her crying, holding her hand, kissing the ring on her finger… 

His mind, it fights him, fights him every time, but he’s winning. With time, he’s slowly winning the fight. He knows that the war will never be done, but he’s getting stronger with time, stronger with her beside him.

She’ll move the ring when they’re ready, and he’ll just have to be patient until then.

The show they’re watching ends, commercials hitting the screen, and he pulls away just enough that he can slide out from under her, stretching as he stands. It’s almost time for him to take his next pills, and he probably needs to order a pizza or something, their fridge relatively empty since they don’t want to be hauling too much food between his apartment and the new house.

“I’m going to order the pizza. Want anything else while I’m up?”

He turns to look back at her to see that her eyes are down on her hands, and she shakes her head slightly, then nods, looking up at him, a smile on her lips. “Actually, yeah. A cup of tea sounds lovely.”

He smiles back, pressing a kiss to her forehead as he leans down, then heads into the kitchen, leaving his beautiful girlfriend, and eventual wife, to watch the commercials without him.

It takes a few minutes to heat the water, set up her cup how she likes it, and Jyn is exceptionally quiet, even as he makes the call for pizza, and sees a few more texts from the realtor. They have to go sign more paperwork, of course, but they can handle it all together.

When the kettle whistles, he finishes up the cup and then walks into the living room with it, leaving his phone behind so that he can settle down beside her. He stops, though, when he sees tears in her eyes, and a smile on her lips.

Something is different, but he can’t place it as he looks her over. Something… something is… 

Something is very different.

“Jyn?”

* * *

 

It strikes her, suddenly, as Cassian goes to leave the room, that it’s time.

Arguably, it’s past time, but she hasn’t thought about it in a while, hasn’t thought about the ring on her right hand, doesn’t talk about it in therapy, doesn’t fret at night about moving it…

They’re buying a  _ house _ together, and she’s not afraid of him leaving, not afraid at night on whether or not he locked all of the locks, not afraid to get up and get something to drink, not afraid of… anything.

It’s time, it has been time, and she…

She asks for tea, because it buys her enough time to process it, to tug the ring off of her right hand, and slip it onto her left.

Tears immediately prickle in the corners of her eyes, because it fits, it fits perfectly, and when she holds up her hand to look at it, she wants to sob.

Six months, six months since he put it on her right hand, and today…

She loves him, and she’s going to marry him. She’s going to marry him this week, if she has anything to say about it.

Maybe even marry him before they close on the house, except that would probably make the paperwork an even bigger hassle, but…

Why not? Why not marry him, and spend their first night as husband and wife in their new house?

He comes back in the room and she smiles as she looks up at him, her hand resting on her lap. It takes him a moment to see, to see what has changed, and then he sinks down in front of her, the cup of tea resting on the coffee table, and his hand reaching out to grab hers.

“Really?” he asks, and his voice is filled with wonder and excitement. She gives a nod, her teeth catching her bottom lip, and then she shifts forward a little, her feet hitting the floor as she leans into him.

“Is that okay?” she asks, and it’s the stupidest question, probably, but they’ve been working on communication for so long, voicing their thoughts and feelings, that it just seems natural to ask, even though she can tell by the tears in his eyes and the hope that is practically bursting out of him what the answer is.

“I love you,” he says, and he surges forward to kiss her lips.

It’s the perfect answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies on taking so long to post this final chapter. If you follow me on Tumblr or have recently read what I posted on AO3 - rebelcaptain smut weekend became smut month while I struggled to write 47 prompts! 
> 
> My next project will be a hades and persephone au, with cassian as the lord of the underworld, and jyn the goddess of spring. I'm hoping to get it all up and posted before November, as I have a fic in the works for Nanowrimo. There will also be some Damerey goodness, because of damerey week, so hopefully, I'll have a lot being posted on AO3 over the next month before I disappear for a month to write my novel.
> 
> As always, you can find me on [tumblr](http://melanoradrood.tumblr.com)!


End file.
